It Will Pass
by Remembering-Sunday514
Summary: So, I have this crush. And I know he likes me back. But why is it so hard for me to accept that he has true feelings? Why can't I accept myself? Well that's why I have a best friend who is so amazing. Someone who helps me learn my self worth. That I don't have to do all this horrible stuff to myself just to get one man to love me, because he already does. Right?
1. Chapter 1

**It Will Pass**

 **Ok! A new story. It's been a very long time since I have written anything and I hope you guys like it!**

I shove my fingers down my throat till I begin to gag and I wait for those few bites of dinner to come up. I pray that the bathroom fan and TV is loud enough to cover up my puking. I can't have my mom find out what I've been doing. I don't know what she would do or say. I watch the contents of my stomach spill into the toilet. It's mostly just the water that I drank during dinner to fill myself up.

I straighten up and flush the toilet before I rinse off my face and brush my teeth. I stare at myself in the mirror. My dark blonde hair is lying flat across my forehead. I look exhausted. My eyes are dark and my skin is pale. I slip off my boxers before I hop on the scale…I hate the scale. But I remember one time my mom had moved it and I freaked out thinking it was gone. It's like the enemy you can't live without. I have to have it. The blue lights blink at me. 134.3….shit. I allowed myself to eat lunch and now look. I went back up half a pound. Nothing I can do about it in the second. I slip on my boxers and my sweats before I throw on a hoody. I turn off the lights and walk back out to the living room where my mom is watching TV.

"Honey, are you ok? You don't look so well." My mom is looking at me like I was just hit by a bus.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I get a glass of ice water, it burns the calories faster, before I give my mom a kiss on the cheek. "I think I'm gonna go to bed early. I had a long day today. Logan got into a fight with another doctor. He was being a huge dick to him." My mom gives me a glare that I don't acknowledge. She hates it when I use that language. But it's true, working at the hospital can be tough some days for more reasons than just the sick kids.

"Alright sweetie. I love you"

"I love you too mom." I walk down the hall to my bed room. I climb under the covers and shiver. When you stop eating you are cold all the time. I lay flat on my back and put my hands on my stomach. It's soft. I know it's because I haven't eaten and I need to keep it that way. Sadly some day's it's harder than others. I run my finger tips over my hip bones, they are showing more, though I know I can't stop now. I touch my collar bones. They are starting to become more prominent. Those are what I worked the hardest for. Everyone, everyday, can see them. No one wants to look at a bunch of fat and skin sitting at the bottom of your neck. They want perfection.

I close my eyes before my push on my ribs. I love how I can feel them. Just another week and I should be at my goal weight. I need to weigh 130. Once I hit that I might eat for a month. My goal weight was really 135 but I have to give myself some wiggle room since I'm going to eat again. I just hope it doesn't make me sick.

Last time I started eating, I ate so much in one day by the end of it I was puking without forcing myself. It was terrible. So even when I let myself eat it hurts.

I breath out a long breath before I snuggle under the covers. I let my thoughts drift off to when someone will love me. When I will finally be good looking enough for some guy out there. Though, I do have a guy in mind. And I think about him. And every night when I lay down hungry I tell myself that I'm making my body good enough for him. Some day he will notice me and he will want me. I'm working for the day when I'm perfect. Because he is definitely so damn perfect!

IT WILL PASS

I hear my alarm go off and I throw my blankets off. I hate mornings. But I also look forward to them because I get to weigh myself and hope for results. I pull myself out of bed. I know my mom has already gone to her own job. She works some desk job at a storage place down the road. Nothing fancy.

I start my normal routine. I always turn on the heat. I hate how cold it gets in here at night. I walk down the hall to the bathroom. I shed my clothes before I use the bathroom. I have to make sure that I shed every ounce before I touch the scale. I then examine myself in the mirror. I make sure that I don't look any bigger than I did last night, I look at everything I have to improve. I can't hardly see my hips when standing. I have to change that. I can't see my ribs. Only feel them. I smile when I get to my collar bones. They are coming along nicely.

I pull the scale out from under the sink and set it down gently before jumping on. I throw my head back waiting the five seconds I dread. 5…4…3…2…1. I look down and see 132.8! Ok, i didn't completely blow it! Thank God!

I run down the stairs, throw on clean boxers and scrubs. I brush my teeth and straighten my hair. A little deodorant and cologne. I grab my badge off my dresser. The security at the hospital is horrible about you forget you're badge. It's a huge pain in the ass to deal with them.

I slip on my shoes, turn the heat back down so mom doesn't find out, then I'm out the door.

The sun feel so good. It warms my skin instantly, though, it's already November and the warm weather doesn't last much longer in Minnesota. I hop in my car and I'm on my way.

IT WILL PASS

Soon, I'm stepping off the elevator onto the 10th floor. I work in the PICU. It's a hard job but I have come to love it. I see some horrible things and some pretty amazing things too. I walk past security. Out of the corner of my eye I see him look up. I already have my hand on my badge in my pocket. I pull it out, flashing it to him. I don't even slow down and he doesn't say a word….this is a every day thing. I see the same guy three days a week and he still looks for it.

I walk down the long white hall to the break room where I drop off my lunch box, if you can even call it that. I keep it with me because that's where I keep my wallet and my keys. What else what I keep in there? Food?

I swipe my badge over the lock and it clicks. I push it open and shocking, theres Carlos. "Hey asshole, I see you're slacking again. Anything good come in last night?" I hang my lunch box and coat up.

"Nah, just a liver transplant and a kid who needs platelets. He was coughing up blood into his trach. Logan said he was losing blood. I don't know the details." Carlos doesn't even look up from his phone. This is how most day's start. Logan is one of the many attending's who round the PICU. Though, he is the one who has been here the most. He is a good guy, and a good friend.

"Ah, sounds eventful." I move to the machine to clock in before Carlos stands and puts his phone away. "Ready to start this day?"

"Not in the slightest." He says back though he's smiling.

"Are you going to hit on him again today?" I say giving him a nudge as we head down the hall to a clean room that keeps all of our stock. Carlos has the biggest crush on Logan and has since the day he started.

He blushes before he gets defensive, "Are _you_ going to hit on him yet?"

I glare. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Before he has a chance to answer we turn the corner and there is the him that Carlos was talking about. He is gorgeous. His name is James and he is one of the nurses. He is also one of the nicer ones, maybe that's part of the reason why i think he is so hot.

I blush and he hasn't even looked at me. I rush to put the code into the door to let us into the clean room. It clicks and I push through. Phew. I survived that close encounter. Yup, that is how I handle things. Clearly it's not well.

"Fuck, Kendall, you're like a scared little bunny running from the big bad fox or something." Carlos points out after the door has closed.

I pull the cart towards me and start filling it before we stock bedside carts. "Yup, and that isn't going to change." He rolls his eyes before he starts folding linen to stock that cart.

Once we have our shit together we leave the clean room, and just like every morning we start with James' room. I always do his first so that I don't have to worry about blushing longer than I have to.

He is sitting at his computer charting when we come up to the glass door. I see his kid is still sleeping. "Do you want us to fill you're stuff now or wait?" Carlos can be an ass but he is my best friend and he always has my back. We have known each other since we were little. He know's how I am when it comes to James.

James turns around in his chair and looks at his watch on his right hand, "Nah, it's 11:30. It's a good time to get him up now. I guess he had a rough night, had to be bagged." Ah, I was wondering why this kid was still sleeping. He is always up before I get here. "He will never sleep for his nap if I let him keep on." This kiddo is always d-sating and needing bagging. He codes a lot too, That's why he has been in the PICU for 2 fucking years! That is why James is always in the same room. He primary's him.

I move into the room as Carlos continues talking to James. Carlos will talk to anyone. He is definitely a people person…me on the other hand, not so much. Maybe that's why we get along. We even each other out.

I open each drawer of the linen cart before I walk out the room to gather the things to fill it.

"You're still coming over tonight right Kendall?" Carlos says to me.

I look at him avoiding James, "Yeah, why?"

"Just asking since I thought about it."

"Ok" I think nothing of it before I go back in the room and put things away. I feel a little light headed but I know it will pass. It always does. I need a glass of water before I pass out. I will just finish this first though.

I turn around and the kid is looking at me through the bars of the crib. I can't help but laugh at him. "Hi, Ottie." His name is really Otis but he call him that for short. it's cuter.

I walk to the med cart and start checking what James needs. I heart Ottie move before the monitor starts going off. He is d-sating. I see his O2 drop before his heart starts to drop. He is on his back facing away from me. That is never good. I rush over and put the side of the crib down. I him towards me and his lips are blue. I begin to grab his bag and silence his ventilator.

"James! I need you in here now!" I yell loud enough that I know he will hear me as I attach the bag to the toddler and start breathing for him. James comes in fast taking the bag from me. "Turn up his O's to 3." I rush to the wall and turn up the Oxygen for when James puts him back on the vent.

Carlos is in the room as well, "Do you want me to push staff assist?"

"No, he should come back up. This is what he did last night."

We all stand and watch his numbers quietly. The only thing I can hear is the alarm on the machine and the blue bag James is using to breath for the kid. He slowly comes up. I let out a sigh of relief. I grab the tubing that connects Ottie to his ventilator so that I can hook him up once James takes him off the bag. He pops him off, I pop him on.

"You're linen cart is stocked and you didn't need anything filled in you're bedside cart." I talk quietly. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me though.

"Ok, thank you Kendall. Are you my tech today?" He asks. We lock eyes and I feel myself blush. I mentally roll my eyes at myself.

"Yeah, I'm on this side today."

He smiles at me and I feel my empty stomach fill with butterfly's. I look away. "Do you need anything else?"

"Nah, I'm good thank you." He lifts up the side of the crib before he gathers some things to change the baby's diaper.

I move out of the room with Carlos though he stops and to say something as I push the cart to the next room. "I'll see you tonight James!"

My eye's go wide. What!? No! "Yup! See ya at 7!"

Carlos smiles at me and all I can do is glare and in a deep voice "I hate you."

 **DONE! Any thoughts and suggestions are welcome! I appreciate it much!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow. Thank you for the response guys! I** **'** **m excited to keep going. Here** **'** **s another one!**

I stare at myself in the mirror. I have on a pair of black jeans, they are hanging loose, nothing a belt cant fix. I have on a white wife beater and a red and white plaid button up shirt. This was supposed to be a fun easy going night. Not something I had to stress about! I hadn't eaten today to make sure that my stomach would be as flat as possible. I lift up my shirt and run my hand over my stomach. It's not sunken in like I was hoping, but it is flat. So I achieved that goal.

I looked at the clock, 6:47. I have plenty of time to get to Carlos', I don't even have to drive. We have lived next to each other since 8th grade and have become best friends. He has been there for me through everything, and I the same to him. I put on a little bit of cologne before, look at myself one more time deciding that this will have to do before I turn out my light and shut my door.

"Mom, I'm going to Carlos'." I say as I walk through the kitchen where I grab my jacket and head straight to the door.

"Are you coming home?" She asks as she continues to do whatever it is she is doing, I didn't even bother to look.

I pause for a second. James will be there, but I usually stay the night at Carlos', "I'm not sure. I'll text you."

"Ok, have fun sweetie."

"Thanks!"

I practically run out the door so my mom doesn't have the chance to ask me more questions. It's cold out, and it goes straight to my bones. There is a frost on the ground already and its dark. I hate winter. The cold kills me a little bit inside.

I make the short walk to Carlos' house and when I see the driveway I let out a sigh of relief. James' car isn't here yet. I'm in the clear! For the moment.

I rush up to the door and don't even knock. I push off my shoes and run up the stairs to his bedroom.

"Hey," I huff as I let myself into his room. He is sitting on his bed and doesn't even look up.

"Hey." He throws his phone off to the side. I take off my jacket and throw it across the back of the chair he has pushed into his desk. I flop on the end of his bed before I look at him.

"You couldn't have given me any warning!?" I practically yell at him resting my hands over my stomach.

"What?! You need to get over you're fear Kendall! It's not healthy." I roll my eyes because I know that he is just trying to help me. I get it. I need a push or I'm going to always be afraid to talk to James.

But what if James doesn't like me? What if he doesn't even want to be friends with me? I push on my stomach. I'm not perfect yet. I'm probably not even good enough. He is beautiful with a good job and is amazing with the kids. Has a sense of humor and an all around wonderful life.

What do I have? A half way decent job, some family, and a Carlos. And lets not forget a fucked up mind.

"What about me isn't unhealthy, Carlos. Not much!" I don't know why I'm so defensive when I know he is trying to help. Maybe because I don't want the help. I want to continue living in agony and not getting anywhere.

He rolls his eyes and lets out a breath. "I know. Look, i'm just trying to help you. Maybe even find you another friend. If this doesn't work out then what did you have to lose? Meeting one person! Right? Maybe he will get you out of the house a little more. I don't do that much."

"Fine, I will try to be a normal human and interact." I sit up so that my back is against the wall and pull out my phone. I drape my other arm over my stomach.

"And he is bringing beer, so don't be shocked." He sounds a little peeved but he will get over it as soon as James gets here.

There is always food or drinks with Carlos, another reason why I skipped the food today.

We sit in silence for a moment before we hear the car door slam and I know who it is. Carlos jumps off the bed. "Now, I want you to have a good time tonight and be happy. None of this," He waves his hand through the are, "depressing shit."

I give him a blank stare and raise my eye brows.

"Ok," He opens his door and runs down the stairs to meet James at the door….he doesn't do that for me….

As I sit here waiting, my heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm trying to control my breathing. I hate that I have anxiety over things like this. I'm honestly very envious of Carlos. He makes it look so easy. Talking to people and the way he flirts with Logan is out of this world. No shame.

I open facebook on my phone and I'm trying to act casual. I can hear their voices, they are probably putting the beer in the fridge to chill. Then to soon I hear them coming up the stairs. Every footstep is daunting. Carlos opens the door and I glance at him, he is smiling. I glance at James as he walks by into the room, give him a quick smile, before I return to my phone.

Carlos claps his hands together to get my attention, i'm sure. "So, James, do you like scary movies?"

Alright I'm down with a movie. I like those. I put down my phone and scoot to the edge of the bed. None of this 'depressing shit'.

He smiled excitedly, "Duh! Who doesn't?" Yes!

"Alright!" Carlos said, "Let's pick one out!"

Half an hour later we were walking back into Carlos' room with Hills Have Eye's and getting ready to watch it. I sit down on the floor, my back against the bed, and pull the blanket off of Carlos' bed, wrapping it around myself. It's so cold. My heart is pounding because I don't want James to sit next to me. Well, I do, but I don't. Ugh, he doesn't bite! It will be fine.

I watch Carlos put the movie in and James is standing there like he doesn't know if he should sit down or not. I watch Carlos grab the remote before jumping up and turning off the light. Please sit next to me, please sit next to me. My heart stops as he sits at the end of his bed, far from me.

He looks up at James and pats the floor between us. "Have a seat, my man!"

As James sits I feel butterflies erupt in my stomach. He was so close I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I don't understand why he makes me so nervous. I scoot over a little so that we aren't so close. I look at the screen and try to focus. Carlos has the remote and presses play. The room goes black before the movie starts and my heart is pounding for more reasons than one.

Half way through the movie I have the blanket pulled up to my chin and my knees to my chest. I hate scary movies but I love them at the same time! All the gore. It's great, but sickening. I jump at a loud noise and move closer to James. He looks at me with wide eyes. In that moment, it's like the movie stops, everything stops. I feel my heart flutter, my stomach flips, and my cheeks heat. I move away from him.

James moves closer and whispers, "Where are you going with that blanket?" He lifts it up and puts it over his own lap. He looks back at the screen and seems to not think another thing about it.

I sit up straight so that I can see Carlos from behind James. Carlos looks at me and smiles. I glare. Little bastard!

 **I** **'** **m sorry it took so long guys! I started a new job! I haven** **'** **t forgotten! Please let me know what you think :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you guys! Here is another one!**

Two beers down and a movie we aren't even paying attention to is playing in the background of our conversation. Well, Carlos and James' conversation.

"Dude, why didn't we hang out sooner?" Carlos says after he downs the last of his second beer. He then giggles…what a light weight.

"I don't know. I don't really hang out with people outside of work. I have work friends and outside of work friends." I kind laugh at James' sentence. 'out of work friends' ha. Ok, I'm also a light weight. But I have a reason. Carlos has lots of lean muscle on his bones. Hm. Carlos is hot. I shake my head before thoughts start to get weird. That's why I'm keeping my mouth shut, I get weird when I drink.

I reach between Carlos and James for another beer even though I know that I might make a mistake. What kind of mistake? I have no idea. I lean back against the bed with beer in one hand and my arm draped over my stomach. It's warm and full of beer. I normally would hate this feeling, be pissed off about it with an enormous amount of anxiety about all the calories. I haven't drank in so long. The only time I really stop caring about what I look like is when I do drink.

They go quiet before Carlos says, "Well, Kendall, aren't you being a little anti-social."

"No, I'm here aren't I?" Why does he even put up with me? I glance at James who is staring at me and I start to straighten up before guzzling down a fair amount of beer. I feel my cheeks heating and hope that beer kicks in soon so I don't care. I can see him still staring out the corner of my eye as I look at Carlos. Why the fuck is he staring.

"I suppose."

I get an evil though, "So, Carlos, do you like anyone at work?" He looks at me with a puzzled look, clearly taken off guard. I know Logan pops into his mind and he starts to blush.

"Nah, not really." Lier.

"Are you sure, I thought that you had said something to me about one of the doctors?" I say questioning, pushing the issue even though he is clearly trying to avoid it.

He stumbles over his words before he settles on what he wants to say, "Yeah, I mean I wouldn't say a crush but there is one cute one." He is blushing, James is just looking between us, probably not sure what to say, "But isn't there a nurse that your dying to get your hands on?"

Ouch. I don't even know what to say, and in the pause James decides to pitch in, "Oh, you gotta spill the beans guys." I think this calls for another guzzling session. I drink down my beer and it's already half gone. I take a breath before taking another gulp.

I look at Carlos, "By all means, please, enlighten him." I wave towards James with a smirk on my face.

"Ah, shit." Carlos is blushing and I love it that I was able to finally get under his skin, "Yeah, there is one guy that I've been flirting with!"

"So, who is it? Are they on the unit?" James has his elbows on his knees and he is so damn cute with the way he is pressing Carlos, looking all enthralled in what he has to say.

"Uh," Carlos pauses, I'm guessing he is trying to figure out if it's safe to tell James these things, "Yeah, he is on the unit." Pause, then he blurts out super fast, "But you probably wouldn't know him!" Carlos acts busy with another beer.

I try to avoid James asking me the same question, "So, do you have anyone you like?" James looks at me then away for a moment thinking about his answer, "I mean there is one person who is really hot, but I don't know. They don't show much interest in me." How the fuck not?! Your beautiful.

"Oh, that sucks." I don't want to show much interest because I don't want to seem upset that he didn't tell me who, and that he didn't lead on at all that it was me. I rub my arms "Carlos, it's so fucking cold in here!" I'm really good at avoiding things. Usually.

"Oh, here," James pulls off his sweatshirt and hands it to me.

"Oh, thanks." I say trying to hide the blush. I pull it over my head and bring it up to cover my face up to my eyes. I breath in and all I can smell is James. It's a musky smell and I can smell some of his shower gel. I do everything to hold in a moan as I breath out.

As the night went on we talked about nothing of importance. Just about work drama, about our families. I even joined in some now that I had been pulled out of my silence by a ruthless Carlos, who got burned in the end. James never did get the answers to his questions.

I text my mom and told her that I wouldn't be coming home before we get ready for bed, the clock on my phone says 2:32AM I don't think that anyone planned on staying the night. But after the beers and how tired we are now, it just happened. Hell, I could walk home. It would be easy, even a little tipsy, but why would I want to? James is here!

I pull out a drawer where I know Carlos keeps all the clothes he sleeps in. I pull out a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt. I stand up and start to move toward the door.

"Hey, James, you can get clothes to sleep in. You don't have to sleep in those." Carlos pulls out clothes for himself and looks at me as I reach for the door to go and change in the bathroom. I really dont' want James to see me. He looks at me like I'm crazy. I hesitate then look at James who is going through the clothes.

Carlos shakes his head. Well, heres my chance to change before James sees. I pull off my jeans real quick and pull on the shorts. He stands and turns to look at me holding his own shorts and a cut off t. "You can keep the sweatshirt, I wont need it."

"Oh, thanks." I feel put no the spot. Even though he is undressing himself. I watch him pull off his shirt, the muscles. They are amazing. I feel butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Why? It's like this stress has completely sobered me.

I shake my head then pull off James' sweatshirt and throw Carlos' shirt on me. It hangs loose. I have to role the waist band of the gym shorts down around my hips so that they don't fall off. I pull the large hoodie back on before any one notices. But when I look up, James is looking. With just the gym shorts on. His face said it all, he looked shocked, but also sad.

I clear my throat, "I'm going to the bathroom."

As I move out of the room I hear a weak, "ok" from Carlos, I don't know if he saw what happened or not.

I slam the door and I'm trying to keep it together. I'm trying not to yell at myself for being so stupid! Why did I ever think that he would be accepting? I lift up the toilet seat, roll up the sleeves of the sweatshirt, and stick my three middle fingers down my throat until I start to gag. The beer comes up and it burns. I do this repeatedly before I'm sure I got it all, before I flush.

I stand and look at myself in mirror. My eyes are watering, my cheeks are red with anger, and I look awful. James' sweatshirt hangs on me and ends at the middle of my thighs. I wash my hands, hoping to get the smell off of them. I take a piece of tissue paper to get the tears out of my eyes. I straighten up. They can't know what I'm doing and that I just had a major freak out. Act like every thing is fine Kendall. Your fine. A little embarrassed but nothing you cant live through.

I take a deep breath and let it out before I fix my hair and put on a happy face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the comments guys, it** **'** **s the only thing that keeps me going! I** **'** **m glad you all like it! If there is something you would like to see let me know!**

 **On with the story** **…**

I am lying in my little bed that Carlos had made on the floor next to James. I'm replaying the last half hour over and over again in my head. My anxiety is through the roof. I want to run away. The look that James had given me before I went to the bathroom. Yes, of course he was shocked. He knew I was skinny, but not this skinny, I'm sure. He probably hates me, thinks I'm disgusting. I know I'm disgusting. If there was ever a chance that I would get him it's gone now. I just hope he doesn't treat me different at work.

I hear the soft breathing of him and Carlos next to me. It's the only noise I hear. I wrap myself even tighter in James' jacket and breath in his scent. It's amazing. I can't even explain it. It's James and a hint of his cologne. But it doesn't distract me long before my mind is a mess again.

When I came back before I opened the door I could hear harsh whispers.

"Carlos, what is wrong? Is he sick? Does he need help?" I could hear James and my heart stopped. He was firing off questions left and right. Why does he care? What the fuck is wrong with him?

Him? What's wrong with me? Don't answer, I know.

"Nothing! He is fine. Just a fast metabolism." Carlos says back, my heart drops. He is lying for me. I feel shitty enough. I can't keep letting him do that. Why is he doing that? He has nothing to hide. But what if he does? Is he ashamed of me? Fuck! He is.

I can't take it anymore so I open the door and see James and Carlos sitting on the floor on top of blankets and pillows talking, they are leaning into each other, probably to make sure I didn't hear them. They failed at whispering. James stops and looks at me. Then Carlos looks over his shoulder, concern written all over his face. It breaks my heart. I hate that I do this to him. And for the first time in years, I'm questioning if I should just let him go. Carlos is so full of love and life. How can I drag him into this dark place?

Then there is James who looks almost angry. I'm not sure if he is angry at me, or angry at Carlos for not telling him the truth. James isn't stupid, he know's he is being lied to, but he has no idea that these lies could be protecting him. From what? I'm not sure yet, maybe how dark the human mind can truly be?I turn off the light so that I don't have to see them any more.

But Carlos' voice rips through the dark, "How you feeling buddy?"

"Fine, I'm just tired. That movie scared the shit out of me." I lay down and pull up the blankets, facing away from the other two. I am tired. I'm drained. I need to sleep for about two years. I don't know how it got to this. But I can't stop now.

I stiffen when I feel a hand on my back, gentle, and I focus on the heat. "Kendall, are you sure your ok?" The concern in James' voice is gut wrenching. Please, just leave me alone.

"Yeah, I'll be ok," I look over my shoulder and force a smile, trying to convince him. He drops his hand and just nods. I can barely see him through the moonlight. HIs eyes look sad almost. His lips are parted slightly, almost like he wants to say something else. But he doesn't.

I roll back onto my side "Night guys." I let my eyes flutter shut.

They both say a simple night back before there is silence. It doesn't take long for them to fall asleep, but I can't. I roll over onto my back and stare at the ceiling. James is so close I can feel his breath on my cheek. I move a little to my right so that I can look at him. His bangs are flat against his forehead and he is curled into a ball with the blanket pulled just up to his hips. I watch as he breathes in and out evenly. His eye lashes are perfect as they lay against his cheek bones.

I can only see Carlos' back towards us. I want to hug him and tell him I'm sorry. I'm normally not so emotional but I feel like a piece of shit. Carlos is an amazing person and I don't want him to hate me. I really do love him. He needs to know how much I really do appreciate him.

It Will Pass

My eyes flutter open against the light when I hear movement. I groan and roll over onto my back. I wince as it cracks against the hard floor. The fuck! My entire body aches from sleeping on the hard floor. Shouldn't this be easy for someone my age? I also have a dull head ache.

I open my eyes and look straight up at the ceiling. I look over at the two on my left. They are sitting up in the spot where they slept and look down at me when they notice I'm awake. Carlos rubs his eyes and stretches. James stretches his arms above his head, his eyes squeezed shut. I hear his back crack before he lets himself fall back onto his pillow gain with a soft thud.

It's my turn to stretch. I sit up crossing my legs before I lean forward over them. It feels so good and I let out a soft groan before sitting up straight stretching that way. I look over at Carlos who is watching me. "Morning." I say with a soft smile. I'm determined to be nicer to Carlos.

"Morning." He smiles back. "How did you sleep James?"

"Like a baby." I look at James who has pulled the blanket back over his face and it muffles his voice.

I look at the clock on the TV stand. It's almost 11:00AM. I groan before I stand up and stretch again. I step over James who is still laying on the ground, grab my clothes off the floor, and walk out the door to the bathroom.

I pee before I wash my hands and rinse my mouth with Carlos' mouth wash. I look at myself in the mirror. My hair is everywhere. "Ugh." I fix it real quick the best I can before I notice something else. I'm still in James' hoodie. Then it comes flooding back. All of last night.

I just have to act like nothing happened. That would be best. Maybe they would act like that also. I know I don't have a chance with James so maybe I can just keep myself from looking like a dick.

I change into my jeans and then I pull off James' hoody. I hate doing it. It's so warm and comforting. I hug it close to me and breath in the scent once more. It smells of James and me now. Maybe some day those scents will actually mix. I make a face at myself in the mirror before shaking my head first, because that was creepy, and second, because we will never be together.

I walk back into the room and James is back into the clothes he wore yesterday. Damn, I missed seeing that!

What? Just because I am no longer going to even entertain the thought that we could someday be together doesn't mean I can't still enjoy him. Right?

I walk up to him holding out the hoody, "Thank you, I really appreciate it."

He pushes it back towards me, "No, keep it."

"What? Why? It's yours." I'm confused, did I contaminate it or something.

"It's yours now." He smiled one of his irresistible smiles. I just stared at him skeptically. Why does he want me to keep it? He wears this a lot. I see him wearing it at work.

When he doesn't say anything I finally give in, "Ok, thanks, I guess."

I look at Carlos who is staring at us. His face reads just as confused as I feel.

"Well, I better get going. I'm sure my mom is wondering where I am." I start to back away from James. I turn to Carlos, remember, be nice. "Thank you 'Los. I appreciate you letting me stay the night." I give him a hug. Carlos hesitates before hugging me back. But I end the hug quickly.

I head towards the door but a hand grabbing my arm stops me, "Hey, I wanna give you guys my number." James says quickly.

I can help but blush. I look at Carlos who shrugs and grabs his phone off his dresser. I pull mine out of my pocket where I had stuck it earlier.

After James gives us his number I break free and head home. But I have to keep telling myself, we will not get together. James is hot, but I don't like him. I know it's a lie, but it's a lie I have to make myself believe.


	5. Chapter 5

**I know the last chapter was short and it didn't get us very far so I'm going to update this fast!**

I have to work soon. It been two days since I got James' number. I haven't talk to him or Carlos. I am flipping out that James is going to be there. It's not like I can run from him for forever. It's just not realistic. He gave me his number though, he likes something about me. Right? Or am I just crazy. What does he want from me?

Maybe I should just text him. No, he just gave me his number to be nice. He wants to be friends with Carlos. Not me. But what if he thinks I'm ignoring him? I kinda am. But not to be mean.

Ugh, I cant let him be mad at me. If he doesn't want to talk to me he can just ignore me right?

I grab up my phone from my night stand. I haven't even started to get ready for work, hell, I haven't even started to get out of bed. But before I can stop myself I go to James' number and type a quick message, 'hey.' I send it before throwing my phone on the night stand and jumping out of bed. Ugh, I'm so tired and now cold.

I let out a deep sigh to try and control my anxiety, then I get dressed. I take a moment to look in the mirror and check out my empty stomach. I'm not even hungry. I'm sure its from the nerves. I run my hand over it and it's flat and hard. I can see the tips of my hips showing.

I'm scared to check my phone again. Ugh. What if he was just being nice. Ugh! Stop thinking Kendall! Your gonna drive yourself crazy!

I brush my teeth, get dressed, and fix my hair. All without checking my phone. That's pretty impressive. I normally cant last this long, especially if I'm waiting for something. Honestly, I'm just a pussy and I'm scared to look.

I put on my badge and grab my phone. I turn on the screen…I have a fucking message from James! What? What is he doing? He wasn't supposed to answer me. Especially not this fast.

'Hey. Whats up? :)'

I feel my cheeks heat up, and I don't even know why. Ugh, so frustrating. But a smiley, really? How lame. Oh, who am I kidding, James is so fucking adorable. I snap back to reality, now what do I say? I glance at the clock on the phone. Shit, I gotta get going. I type my response real quick before I grab my stuff and rush out the door. 'Not much. About to leave for work.'

Half way to work I feel my phone vibrate in my scrub pocket. I know who it is. I struggle to pull it out from under my seat belt and unlock the screen. James. 'Ok! I'll see you there!' Great. I believe that Carlos is working today too. I really need to be nicer to him. Carlos just got me a new friend. Even if it turns into nothing else. And it's gonna stay that way!

IT WILL PASS

I'm clocking in with Carlos, talking about the commute…you know the Minnesota snow. It's great. I don't know why we didn't just ride in together. I need to bring that up to him later.

And then he asks a question I was dreading, "So, have you talked to James?" I just don't want to talk about it. I don't even know what to think about it myself.

I don't miss a beat, "Yeah, you?"

"Oh, really? Yeah, we talked a little. I told him it was nice seeing him and that I hope we can hang out again. The three of us." He pauses then adds, "What did you talk about?" I give him a small glare, I feel like he is hiding something. But what? I know it wouldn't be anything to actually hurt me so I don't say anything.

"Uh, work?" We start getting ready to go through our daily routine. And I know that James will be the first nurse we come to. Just like every day James and I work.

Oh, God. I feel myself getting nervous…again. Why? It's not like we haven't broken the ice. He seemed excited to see me today..but why!? Why would he be excited to see me? What does he want from me? Does he want to be friends? Does he want to be more? Does he just want to be friends with Carlos? What if he wants to be more than friends with Carlos!? Shit! Fuck! I never thought of that! Well, never actually thought it was possible…but it is. You always want to be on good terms with your boyfriends best friend..I couldn't take that. I couldn't watch that happen. But honestly, Carlos wouldn't do that to me. And I know that. Plus, Carlos has his eyes on Logan….Speaking of Logan, I just might have to find him later.

Stop thinking Kendall and do your work!

I start stocking a cart and Carlos starts folding laundry. He then blurts out, "Did you know he sings? You guys have something in common!" He winks at me and I just roll my eyes. Your a dork. I can't help just laugh though.

"It's not like you don't sing." I throw back at him with a smile.

"Yeah, but he isn't a love interest of mine."

"I never said he was a love interest."

"Really?" He stops folding for a moment to give me a look of disbelief.

"Yeah, he's attractive and it will probably never happen anyways." I look at him over my shoulder and shrug. It wouldn't even happen. It's not like I'm lying. Even if James did let it happen, I wouldn't. I wouldn't let him in because I know it wouldn't last and I am not going to put myself in that position.

I start to pull my cart towards the door, "Come on, we don't need anyone bitching about us not doing our work."

He follows me out the door and I look through the door to the first room. I see James doing his patient assessment. The baby is sitting up watching a movie. I go into the room and grab the med cart pulling it out into the hall. James is listening to his heart so I don't say anything. I start stocking and just focus on getting done.

But I freeze when I feel a arm around my shoulders and my heart skips a beat. I look to my right and see James looking down at my handful of 3CC syringes. I can feel his warmth on my face we are so close. He doesn't seem to notice. "I need more of those, by the way." I hold them out and try to hide my blush. He puts out his hand and I drop them into his palm. He continues to hold his hand out in front of me and I roll my eyes, grabbing a few more and also placing them in his hand.

"Is that enough, my good sir?" He drops his arm and I instantly feel the cool air sweep over my shoulders. And I hate it.

"Yeah, I'll catch you if I need more. I'm doing teaching today." He says before he turns to disappear into the the room, but he stops once he gets to the door. "We should have lunch together." My heart stops. This guy is going to kill me. I just nod and he walks away.

Later that morning Carlos and I are talking and he asks what was up with that. I told him nothing. He saw and heard everything. It's not a secret.

"Carlos, you know nothing happened, but you should have lunch with us."

"No, that was a private invitation." He then makes a kiss face. I push him gently and just roll my eyes.

"Whatever, suit yourself. We will be in the beak room with 15 other people. Nothing extravagant." I say playing it off as nothing. Though, my heart is beating a million miles a second. Why am I so freaking nervous over nothing?

Later on I get a text from James. 'Meet me in the break room in 30. I'm buying you subway!' I don't answer. I'm to nervous. Kendall, it's just lunch…And he is buying me lunch? I can pay for my own, thank you very much. I'm a little astonished that James Diamond is such a gentlemen though. What is wrong with him? There has to be something I'm missing.

I walk into the break room and hit someone with the door. I quickly close it and James turns around, "I'm sorry!" I say quickly holding my hands out apologetically. Great that's a good start to the lunch.

He laughs and rolls his eyes, "Don't be, I'm the one standing behind the door." God, his smile is beautiful! His voice is beautiful. He is just beautiful. "Ready to go down stairs?"

"Sure." I walk back out the door and he follows closely behind me.

We walk quietly down the long hallway to the elevators. I don't know what to say and I feel awkward and stupid. Say something Kendall! "So, you like subway?" Really, that's the best you got?

He laughs again. Well I didn't hear him coming up with anything better! "Yeah, who doesn't? Plus, what else is there to eat at the hospital without going to the main building?"

"Aright, good point." I laugh back nervously. There isn't much to eat. Pizza, subway, or some weird salads and sushi. The ride down the elevators is quiet but not awkward like I thought it would be. When the doors open he lets me out first. Holding the doors open so they don't shut on us.

"Do you like sushi?"I ask as we walk to the line that is formed at the subway counter.

"Nah!" He makes a face of disgust and I can't help but let out a little chuckle as we slowly shift towards the front of the line. "Lot's of people here eat it, not for me. I can't even stomach the thought of raw fish."

I nod in agreement before we order. I wait for him after my food is finished and we enter the check out line. I start to pull my wallet out of my back pocket still adamant about paying for myself. It's not a date. But I freeze when his hand is on my hip pulling me into his side as he hands the girl behind he counter his card.

I feel a blush heat up my face and I look down busying myself with putting my wallet back away. I take a step away from him but his finger tips only dig into my hip harder. I hope he doesn't notice how bony my hips actually are. Another wave of embarrassment comes over me. I strive to be skinny, but if anyone touches me I'm ashamed of how skinny I really am. It's a torturous cycle. And I know that as soon as I get a chance I will be throwing all this up in the bathroom upstairs. I am then hit with guilt. I feel bad for wasting the money James is spending on me just to flush it down the toilet…literately.

With his hand still wrapped firmly around my hip he leads us to the seating area before he drops his grip and turns to me, "do you want to eat here or upstairs."

I look around at the empty seating area, it's strange for this time of day. But at least down here there will be less chance of talk going around. I shrug, "We can eat down here," I smile at him.

He leads me to a table where we eat quietly. I hate eating because it's like opening a flood gate. Once I start its hard to stop. That's why I don't. And that is why I'm grateful I ordered only a 6-inch. Even though James quirked an eyebrow at me.

I lean back after the last bite is gone and throw my arm over my stuffed stomach. I couldn't eat another bite if I really wanted to though.

We make small talk, learning each others favorite music, movies, and sports. I'm not really for sports so I just listen to him talk about his favorite basketball game. I can't even remember what team it was he said he liked.

I keep my distance because this relationship is not going any farther than what it already is. And that is just friends, with one friend being a little touchy, in a friendly manner. That is it!

That night, after work, and after making sure the contents in my stomach is gone so I don't gain any ounces from my splurge earlier with James, I lay silently. Saying it over and over again in my head, we are only friends.

And after Carlos had grilled me about it, I made sure he knew it too. We are only friends. But when my phone buzzes next to me my heart skips a beat wen I see James' name flash across the screen. It's a simple text, _'good night'._

I don't answer, because that is another flood gate I don't want to open. I know that I am weak at night, emotionally and physically. I don't want to make a mistake in my grogginess that I wouldn't be able to back pedal on.

I type ' _good night'_ as well, though I'm sending it to Carlos to fill the void of not sending a response back to James.

 **Let me know what you guys think! Any ideas or thoughts are much appreciated!**


	6. Chapter 6

Over the past two weeks it's been the same. We hang out at Carlos' and James and I get lunch from the cafeteria. I then go for a guilt trip in the bathroom as I flush the food down the toilet. I've started to get a little irritated though, and eating less and less. I hate eating so much and then throwing up. It's so much easier to just not eat. And it's healthier too. At least I'm not throwing up all the water I drink. I think James is starting to notice too. The day's that we work together he always insists on getting food. I don't know why he doesn't just bring his lunch and leave me alone. It's not like anything is going to come out of this. This being James and I.

Carlos and I are talking about our day in the break room, Carlos is eating his packed lunch while I just try to relax. Logan, one of the doctors here is at the crowded table as well, and I can't help but notice how he keeps glancing at us. Finally, as Carlos starts rambling about something I notice that Logan is watching Carlos.

Oh, my God! He is watching Carlos. Now, this is the guy that Carlos has been crushing on ever since he started almost a year ago. Suddenly, the look on Logan's face changes and we lock eyes. I quickly look back at Carlos who is still talking.

"…and rent would be split and it would be great!" I look at Carlos who is watching me, waiting for me to say something.

I quickly look at him trying to process the last thing he said. "I'm sorry buddy, what would be great?" I do feel bad. I was completely ignoring him. And then I feel worse when he gives me a dirty look.

"I was saying we could move in together. Get out from under our moms wings. We know everything about each other so we wouldn't have any issues." He is smiling again and he is so excited about this new idea. It would be great, getting out on our own. We both have a steady job. We would make enough together to be able to support ourselves.

"Yeah, that would be great. I can come over tomorrow and we can start looking at apartments!" I really am excited. This will be our first big move. And honestly, I'm glad that it would be with Carlos. I've thought about it on and off but I never really wanted to do it by myself. Now I have a reason. I could move in with my best friend.

Then I remember Logan. He was staring at Carlos and then he looked at me. What was that look he gave me? Was is jealousy? I mean, it would make since, if he does like Carlos. But they have hardly talked. I don't know.

I get up and look back at Logan one last time. He is watching HGTV that is on mute. Acting as if we don't exist. I wait for Carlos to stand and when he does he watches Logan for a moment before he puts on his dazzling smile, "Hey, Logan, how are ya?"

Logan jumps then turns quickly, "Oh, hey, Carlos." I see a blush start to creep across his face and he turns back towards the TV. I push Carlos out of the room. I know now.

I start walking down a hallway that isn't used much, "Carlos, did you see that?"

"Yeah, he talked to me!" His smile is brighter than I've seen it in a long time! Probably since the last time him and Logan spoke.

"No, not that. Well yea, but no something different! He was blushing, and when you talked to me about moving in with you I think he got jealous. He almost looked a little pissed at me." I can't figure out why. It's not like he had ever tried to make a move on Carlos and if we got together it would be his own fault. I mean, not like that would ever happen. We are only friends…Wow, I've been saying that a lot. But it's true!

His smile dampens and he becomes serious, putting a hand on my arm to stop me so we face each other, "Wait, Kendall, what are you trying to say?"

I take a deep breath, "I'm saying, you need to gather all that confidence I know you have in that little body and go in for the kill."

He lets out the girliest squeal I have ever heard come out of another male, "You think I should ask him out?" He pauses, "No way, your setting me up. He isn't interested in me."

Wow, i'm a little insulted, he thinks I would joke about this and let him embarrass himself? I mean I would, but not to this degree. "Carlos, I'm not kidding, I really think he has something for you."

We leave it at that before we head back to work.

IT WILL PASS

I'm clocking out when the door to the locker room busts open and Carlos comes rushing in waving a napkin in my face, "Kendall! Look what I got!" His face is red and he is smiling ear to ear.

I grab it from him and notice that there is a phone number scribbled on it with a big LM above it. "No way! Carlos, are you guys going out?! What are you doing? When?" I'm so genuinely excited for him, and for once I get to have fun for him instead of him pushing me to spice up my relationship with James.

"I don't know, I saw him in the hallway and I asked him if he wanted to just get a drink. Nothing fancy. He told me to hold on and when he came back he handed me this and said text me."

As we head out to our cars Carlos keeps talking about how excited he is, and we try to think of places for them to go. Until Carlos brings up that we should go on a double date, and I remind him that James and I are not dating.

"Well, you might as well be. Kendall, seriously. You guys go on a lunch date once a week down in the cafeteria."

"It's not a date!"

"Then what is it?"

I roll my eyes, "Lunch."

"Yeah, with a guy you have been crushing on, and he has a crush on you, and you guys are beautiful and perfect." As we make it to our cars I wait for him to stop rambling.

I turn towards him, "First, they are not dates. Second, he is not crushing on me. Third, we are not a we!"

"Whatever, that all will change soon enough. And he is crushing on you, have you seen the way he treats you. Your like a God to him. Seriously Kendall, open your eyes."

On my drive home I do everything in my power to not think about what Carlos said. There is a reason why I'm in denial. Because if I deny everything then nothing will happen. I can't get my hopes up and get my heart broken.

IT WILL PASS

That night I lay in bed waiting for a text from James and Carlos. James texts me every night around 9:00. It's like clock work. Carlos said that he was going to wait till later tonight to text Logan and I'm sure he will give me a play by play.

Though, I will say one thing, I will kick this dicks ass if he even thinks about hurting Carlos. He has been crushing on Logan since they first spoke. I would feel so guilty if something happened, since I'm the one who told Carlos to do it, knowing he would. He trusts me and I will be the one letting him down. I can't let that happen.

I'm jolted from my thoughts when my phone vibrates on my bare chest. I pick it up quickly. It's from Carlos.

' _Soooo i asked him out and we are going! I told you we would double date…but that will be our second date. I get him the first time by myself.'_

I smile as I re-read the text. I really do love Carlos wether is shows or not. He can always make me smile, even when he doesn't try. He deserves only the best. And double dating, that is something Carlos has always wanted to do. It's some sort of weird obsession he has.

' _That's fantastic dude. when and where are you going?'_

' _We are going to that little bar on the corner in town. You know what one i'm talking about? We are going on friday.'_

' _Perfect that mean-'_ I jump as another text comes through. James. I quickly finish my text to Carlos. _'-s you get three days to hype yourself up for it to be wonderful. Now you just need to figure out what to wear.'_ See I can do this. When all the attention isn't on me I'm almost normal.

' _Hey you. How you doin?'_

I feel the butterflies come to life and I run my hand over my concave stomach and I gently rub my protruding hips. The butterflies almost hurt when your stomach is so empty.

' _Hi i_ _'_ _m good. just laying in bed. what about you?_ _"_

Immediately after I send the text to James one from Carlos comes through. ' _I know dude! What am I supposed to wear?_ _'_

' _We will figure it out tomorrow buddy. Get some sleep. You will need it._ _'_

' _Alright man, sleep good!_ _'_

I lay my phone on my chest again waiting for James to answer, and it doesn't take long.

' _Just laying in bed thinking. I have something I wanna do tomorrow and it's making me kinda nervous'_

' _James Diamond nervous. Pshh. I don't believe it. :)'_

' _oh, you best believe it. ;) I missed having lunch with you today…'_

James, don't do this, please. Don't make me feel like you look forward to having lunch with me. You probably just want someone to talk to. You would go down there with anyone. I don't want a relationship with you. I mean, I do, but i'm not stupid enough to let myself get hurt. I'm terrified for Carlos even. I'm already feeling my anxiety rise. For both of us.

I stare at the text for a moment. Unsure of what to say. I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to chase him away. I still want to be friends with him. He is a great guy as far as I can tell. Nothing wrong with just being friends. _'I'm capable of feeding myself haha.'_ I send it and roll my eyes at myself. Stupid answer.

' _I'm sure you are, but I really like spending time with you.'_

I lay my phone down again, not sure how to answer. Sometimes it's just easier to not answer. But this is the first time James has said something like this. We normally just ask how we are, what we did today. But something is different tonight.

' _I know. Good night. I_ _'_ _ll text you tomorrow. Sleep good._ _'_

' _Good night Kendall, I look forward to it._ _'_

Stop being weird! I put my phone on it's charger and set it down on the side table.

I don't understand why he is acting like this. It's almost like he is admitting to liking me. Or what if something is going on? Something bad? I hope he is ok. I will ask him tomorrow. I will have to ask Carlos if something is wrong tomorrow.

IT WILL PASS

At about 11 the next day I throw on a sweat shirt and sweats before heading over to Carlos' to look at apartments, I'm so excited to actually start looking for a place of our own. I had told my mom and she got all emotional saying her little boy is all grown up and that I'm not allowed to go far from home. I promised her I wouldn't. When I mentioned I would be moving in with Carlos she told me thank god I'll have someone to watch over me….Why does every one think I can't take care of myself!?

Once at Carlos' we look at multiple apartments around the area. We had a list of the places we were going to go to pick up applications.

We took Carlos' car and once we were on our way I decided I would ask what has been bothering me since last night, "Carlos, have you been talking to James?"

He looks at me side ways, "Yeah, why?"

I start to fiddle with the hem of my sweat shirt, "He was just really weird last night. Telling me how he missed eating with me, and how he likes spending time with me. I was hoping everything was ok. "

"Kendall, why do you think that when someone is nice to you there is something wrong?" His voice was even and I could tell he was dead serious. I looked at him, with my mouth hanging open. He didn't take his eyes off the road.

"I…I…I don't know." I tried multiple times to come up with a good answer…nothing came.

"Don't say anything Kendall, but he really likes you, he does enjoy talking to you, but he is scared to say anything."

"What? Your joking, why would he like me?" I shake my head in disbelief.

Suddenly Carlos almost seemed mad, "Why wouldn't he Kendall? Your amazing. Your funny when you want to be. Your smart. Your gorgeous. Why can't you see that? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you."

I start to lose my temper, "Why would he want someone who is sick? Has no confidence. Hates being around people because I have so much anxiety. We hardly text. Last night was the first time anything has happened. And you wanna know what I did?"

"No, I know what you did. He called me. You told him goodnight. I told him to try and show you he liked you. He is scared of exactly what you did. Pushing him away. You still push me away at times. Why, Kendall? Why can't you just try and accept yourself. You have people that love you but you cant love yourself. You have guys like fucking James who would give anything just to say they took you out once."

"Well then you both need to get your damn minds checked because both of you are to good for me." Carlos pulls into the parking lot to the apartments we had talked to. He turns to face me and he looks like he is battling himself. Like he doesn't know what to do but I don't care, I keep going. "I don't understand get it. Have you seen me recently? I'm not getting better. Why would be want to burden himself with that? I throw up all the food-" My eyes go wide when his lips are suddenly on mine. I don't kiss back. But I don't pull away. He is then climbing into the seat with me pulling me close to him. He puts his hand on my cheek, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck. I then give in, close my eyes and kiss him back. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean back against the door. He comes with me and the kiss starts to deepen and I can't help but let out a moan. Holy shit, who has Carlos been kissing? God, I haven't been kissed like this in years. Probably since I was 16. That was like 8 years ago. He starts to pull away and I lean forward keeping our lips together as long as possible. When we part we are both breathing heavy. His cheeks are red and I have nothing to say as all I can feel is my lips tingling and my head becoming more clear as oxygen flows again.

"What the fuck was that?"

 **Alright! As always let me know what you think! Ideas, concerns, anything welcome. What do you want to see? Your comments are what keep me going and they help me update faster when i know that you guys like the story. I have many ideas and different pairings but I don't know quite what I'm going to do so any input would help! Thanks guys! I hope you enjoyed it. Until next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

"What the fuck was that?" Carlos breaths out.

"Um. I'm kinda wondering the same thing." I'm still panting from the attack. I reach into Carlos' glove box and pull out my stashed cigarettes. I don't smoke often, only when I'm extremely stressed.

I put one between my swollen lips and grab the lighter, taking a deep breath, and quickly lighting it. I hold it out to Carlos, who declines. He doesn't smoke. I knew he would decline. My hands are shaking as I take in another deep breath and slowly let it out, getting a sick satisfaction from watching the smoke leave my body. Closing my eyes, feeling my throat burn, I try to collect my thoughts.

"So, are you going to tell me why you just kissed me?" Shit, that was practically rape of my mouth. I'm pretty sure that was called assault. I look at him, patiently waiting. I take in one more breath from the end of the cigarette before holding it out the window so it doesn't smoke up his car.

He is looking at his intertwined fingers before he looks up at me. "Kendall, first i'm sorry, but I need you to see that you are worth it. That you are beautiful. I wouldn't be able to kiss someone that I wasn't attracted to."

I open my mouth to tell him that he is just now getting around to telling me how he feels about me but he holds up a finger. "I know what your going to say. Yes, your gorgeous and sexy, but I'm not interested in you like that. I wanted to make a point. And would I have stuck around with you for 20 years if I didn't think that you were worth having around? No. I would have ditched your ass. So don't ever tell me how much you mean to me. You mean a hell of a lot more than you think. And James is worried about you. He has asked me a million times what he can do to help you. How to make you feel better. Hell, he doesn't even know whats wrong. Why? Because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. So please, just think about that." He let out a sigh and I am speechless.

"So you just made out with me so that I would listen to you? So that I might actually stop and consider what you say? I know you care about me. That's not the problem. The problem is me accepting myself." I inhale more smoke. "And that proves nothing with James. All it shows me is that I'm more confused than ever."

He looks at me dumbfounded, "Yeah, how?"

"Because you can't just kiss someone like that. There is feeling behind something like that." I put my head back, not able to look at him. "There was so much passion behind that kiss that I can't believe you don't have other feelings for me." What the hell am I saying? I know he doesn't have feelings for me. He wants Logan. He has for a year. What the fuck am I doing? I don't know what I'm thinking.

"Really? You think I'm in love with you? No, Kendall. Get this straight. I want you to know that you are good enough for James. Take all the feeling you just felt from me and pretend that was James. These last two weeks have been amazing for him. Just getting to know you the little bit he has. We have talked a lot more than you know. But don't worry. I haven't said anything about you not eating. He still swears you have cancer."

After that we sat in silence as I finished smoking before we headed into the building filling out the application and submitting it. That is one good that about Carlos and I. We can have shit like this happen and it doesn't change our relationship. At least I hope it doesn't.

IT WILL PASS

After filling out the last application I think we are about to head back to his place. But when he takes a turn I don't recognize I start to question, "Carlos, home is the other direction." I say pointing the way we are supposed to be going.

"Kendall, I didn't forget where I live." He says with a small chuckle. It's almost as if we had never had that fight back in the parking lot. "Just wait, we need to make a stop."

"For what?" I am looking out the window trying to figure out what the hell could be on this side of town. Maybe another apartment? I don't think so unless he looked at them without me. No, he wouldn't do that.

We slow and he puts on the blinker. What is this place? I'm searching the houses for a clue, then I spot it.

"Oh, no. Carlos. No! Not today! I'm not even dressed. I look like shit. You just kissed me! Oh, God. I-" Carlos had pulled up behind James' car in a drive way and parked before throwing his hand over my mouth. My heart is about to beat right out of my chest as I stare up at the nice yellow house with a white door. It is almost perfect. Not like a 26 year old guy is living here. I know that James lives on his own. He told me.

When Carlos finally decides that I'm going to be quiet he slowly removes his hand and I look at him. "Calm down. Your fine. Trust me for once." He is looking at me pleading me. "Please, give him a chance. He doesn't only care about your looks."

"I have been giving him a chance! I've been talking to him. I was planning on texting him tonight. I eat lunch with him at least once a week." I say defending myself.

"No, you have been holding him in the friend zone. Hell, I'm less in the friend zone than he is." Carlos sends back with an eye roll.

"Yeah, you just over stepped your friend zone boundaries all on your own. And it's not like he has made a move." Wow. We are arguing again…and then I see James step out on the porch barefoot, in gray sweatpants, and a black t-shirt.

He sees me and his smile fades, "He didn't know I was coming!?" Hell, I didn't even know I was coming! What the fuck Carlos, you sneaky bastard.

I take a deep breath wanting to pull out another cigarette but Carlos is jumping out of the car with a big smile, and I hesitantly follow, worried about how I look. I slowly walk behind him up to the porch. I don't say a word as they hug before turning towards me. "Hey you!" James says as he practically hops down the steps towards me and pulls me into a bone crushing hug that I don't even get a chance to give back before he is pulling away. He seems to have recovered, I on the other hand have not.

Another quick lesson, when you don't eat your mind slows down. It's foggy. That's why at times it's harder to process things. It takes longer to react and recover. There are a million and one reasons not to do what I do, but I do it anyways. And I'm quickly realizing that the man I used to do it for is standing right in front of me. I wanted him so bad and now he is here. From what Carlos tells me he wants to me, then why cant I seem to accept that? A month ago I would have killed to have this opportunity but not that it's in front of me I keep pushing it farther away. I'm denying it. I'm denying him.

I let out a strangle hi and his face immediately grows concerned, "Are you ok, Kendall?" No, I'm not ok. I am scared to trust you, scared to let you in, scared to give you the chance to get to know me. Give you the chance to hurt me. I look over his should at Carlos who only nods towards James.

I feel the heat radiating through my body from the place on my shoulder where James places his hand, bringing me back to him. I put on a large smile pushing my thoughts aside best I can, "Yeah, I'm great. Wanna show us your place?"

I don't think James buys my act. He gives me one last look of concern before he turns and motions for me to follow him. Carlos falls in next to me as we go through the front door. I'm immediately hit with a smell of incense. Almost like coconut. The house is simple. Nothing on the walls. A coffee table in the living room on our right with a TV on the wall and a couch. There is a small fire place. On the right is a small room with a table in it, just past that I can see a kitchen. He leads us into the living room.

"Make your selves at home guys." Carlos plops down on the couch and I gently sit next to him. I feel like something very bad is going to happen. My guard is up and I don't know why. Today has been full of surprises, and I'm not sure if anything will turn out ok by the time night comes. "Do you guys want anything to drink?"

"What do you have?" Carlos pipes up.

"Um, water, pop. Like sprite, pepsi, mountain dew." James says slowly as he thinks about it.

"I'll have water." I say, gotta stay on the slim side.

"Mountain dew?" Carlos asks.

"Sure. I'll be right back." I watch James walk out of the room. Damn he looks fine! Even in sweats and a t-shirt he is perfection. I can see the muscles moving under the tight shirt. Just the way he walks is sexy. Shit Kendall, stop before you really do have something to be embarrassed about.

"Really? You couldn't have given me a little bit of warning."

"I knew you wouldn't come if I did. Kendall, please relax. Whats he gonna do? Kill us?" I didn't say anything. Carlos is right. He isn't going to hurt me. We've hung out at Carlos' 4 times just watching movies or playing video games. What was different now? Well first, his reaction when he saw me. Why did he look upset? Did I do something? I don't think so, we just talked last night. Nothing has happened since. Did he want to see just Carlos? No, he told Carlos he wants me. He wouldn't just want him to come over. I don't think. Ugh, I don't know.

James comes back in holding two glasses and he sets them down in front of us. I grab mine and take a huge swig to get my composure. I hate having anxiety. This would be so much easier if I were normal.

"So, it's kinda been a lazy day for me. And I have a friend coming over in a little bit, do you guys wanna play a video game then watch a movie when he gets here?" James suggests looking between Carlos and I.

I shrug, maybe him having a friend over will be good, another day where nothing will happen between James and I. "That's fine with me."

"Me too."

"Great!"

James set up Super Smash Bros and I watched him and Carlos. I would play the winner. After a ruthless battle and many insults and curses being send each others ways James finally wins. I will not be shy, I will listen to Carlos. Carlos and I stand at the same time and I'm about to take the controller when James' phone dings.

"Oh, he is about to be here, I'll be right back." James stands and walks over to the door. I sink to the floor next to the couch and Carlos sits next to me taking a drink from his pop.

"So Kendall, are you going to make a move?" He asks me quietly bending forward so that James wont hear him.

"Yeah, once I get a chance. For once I'm going to take your advice. But I don't want it to be weird so I'm just gonna feel out my grounds." I whisper back to him, looking up. Suddenly the kiss is flashing through my mind again and a shutter runs through my body. What the hell was that all about? I shake my head to get rid of the thoughts.

I look up when James opens the door and he is greeting someone. I lean forward to catch and glimpse of who it is when Carlos spits his pop all over me then drops his glass right into my lap. "What the fuck?!" I stand up quickly trying to save my already drenched clothes. "Carlos." I look at him and he is also standing now trying to brush me off. Really?

"Dude, I'm so sorry." I look down at his shaking hands as he is brushing off my hoodie. James is cracking up and I hear a snicker next to him.

I look over my shoulder to see who else is in the house, "Oh, hi Dr. Logan!" And then it clicks. Ha! It's Logan. Karma's a bitch Carlos! That's what you get. And I guess this is what I get to for being a dick to him sometimes.

"Hey guys." Logan gives a small wave. It's weird seeing him in gym shorts and a hoodie, he's normally decked out in a suit and tie or scrubs. "I didn't know you guys were going to be here."

"Yeah, I didn't know I was going to be here either." I look at Carlos and nudge him.

"Yeah, hey Logan." I hold back a laugh as to not embarrass him as a blush is already creeping up on his cheeks.

"Kendall," I turn to face James, "Let me get you some clothes, are shorts ok?"

Normally I would try to decline but I don't want to be sitting around in sticky pop all afternoon, "Yeah, that would be perfect, thank you."

"Ok, follow me." My heart is racing as I follow him down a small hallway and then enter a room after him. It's dark compared to the rest of the house. The bed sheets are a dark red and the walls are a dark blue. It smells like James' cologne and I try to hide the fact that I take in a deep breath.

I'm brought back when James asks, "Do you want a sweatshirt too?"

"Yeah, that would be wonderful. It's kinda cold out today. And thank you so much. I really appreciate it." I say as I take the clothes.

"Oh, not a problem. What were you guys up to today anyway?" He asks plopping down on the bed. Am I supposed to change in front of him? What the hell?

I try to push any negative thoughts away, he's already seen it already. "We were just filling out applications for apartments. We are going to get one together." I say trying to keep myself busy as I pull my shirt and hoodie over my head at the same time.

I blush as his eyes creep over my naked torso and I become very uncomfortable under his stare. He takes in a breath as if he is about to say something but stops himself when I grab the shirt he handed me quickly, throwing it on. "I didn't know you were friends with Dr. Logan outside of work?"

He quickly locks eyes with me, probably feeling as though he had been caught, and he has. I blush, "Oh yeah, we have been friends since high school. He is the one who actually helped me through college and get the job I have now." He shrugs.

"Wow, yeah he seems nice enough. I've only talked to him a few times." I reach for the waist band on my sweats and hesitate. He seems to get the idea because he lays down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. I quickly change into his shorts, having to roll them just to make them stay on my hips.

I jump when there is a knock on the door and I suddenly remember that I left Carlos out there with Logan. Eh, he will be fine. He isn't socially awkward like I am. "Are you guys decent? I got the movie." I hear Carlos call through the door.

I roll my eyes and James sits up laughing, "Yes, we are decent, open the damn door, Carlos."

Carlos then brings in the movie that he and Logan had picked. Apparently everything went well for them. I'm just glad that James didn't get a chance to say anything to me about my weight. It's another horror flick. I'm not surprised. James jumps up off of his bed and closes the curtains to the only window in his room making it even dimmer then rushes over to the TV sitting on a little stand against the wall opposite the one his bed is on. He turns on and opens the DVD player before turning to Carlos and holding out his hand for the movie.

"Hey, Kendall, are you going to survive the sugar bath you got?" Logan says with a side ways smirk on his face.

I snort, "Oh, now Dr. Logan has a sense of humor, who would have known?" I through back sarcastically though I give him a smile letting him know I am just giving him a hard time.

"Please, just call me Logan. I'm only a doctor at work." He says holding his hands up.

I mimic a salute, "Yes sir."

Carlos sits down on the floor at the end of the bed, Logan following him. I sit on the floor on the other side of Logan as James finishes putting the movie into the play. I hear Carlos and Logan talking quietly as I stare at James who is standing in front of me with the remote waiting to press play. Every move he makes gives me butterflies in my stomach as his muscles of his shoulders move under his tight shirt. Shit he is hot.

I jump when he turns around and bite my lip praying he didn't catch me staring. Honestly though, I caught him earlier and I don't think he had hardly any shame. I expect James to sit next to me on the floor but I'm quickly disappointed when he walks to the bed. I stare at the screen watching the opening credits trying to keep myself from feeling a pang of hurt in my stomach. Dick.

I jump when James calls me, "Kendall, come here." I look over my shoulder and him and he is holding up the blankets patting a spot under there, telling me where he wants me.

I steal a glance at Carlos and Logan. They are both sitting indian style, their knees touching. Yeah, I don't want to be alone down here…

I jump up and move towards James. Though I hesitate. He lifts up the covers a little higher, he is under them. I guess this is my chance to make a move. My heart his pounding and I can feel it beating in my chest. I can feel my entire body shaking with anticipation as I slide under the covers close to James instantly enjoying the warmth of his body. I scoot as close to him as I can without actually touching and he leans back against the wall and I follow suit, pulling his blanket up to my chin.

I take in a deep breath and pull my legs up to my chest before I scoot a little closer to James, our arms now touching.

 **Alright guys. Originally this was going to be Kendall/James. Now I can see it being Kendall/Carlos. Please review and tell me what to do! I seriously need help with this! I have a plot for either direction. So if you are only going to review once, this is the time to do it and put in a vote! Thank you!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry its been a while guys! I've been so so busy. But I have not forgotten about this. I promise.**

As the movie plays James and I become closer and closer. He is leaning back against the wall with his arm wrapped around my shoulder and my head resting on his chest. I close my eyes and listen to the beating of his heart. I smile as the movie reaches a particularly suspenseful part and his heart quickens. I close my eyes just focusing on this moment. Does this count as me making a move? Probably not since he is the one who put his arm around me first. But I didn't ignore him. I leaned into him. Encouraging him.

A thought crosses my mind and I move my hand from its spot on the mattress between us and rest it on his stomach. I freeze for a moment and when he doesn't do anything, I gently run it up to his chest and rest it there. I glance at the movie, taking a moment to pay attention to a girl trying to escape a man who wants to kidnap her.

I push myself up slightly so that I am looking at James. I stare right into his hazel eyes, pupils blown from being in the dark room. I scan his face, and he does the same. I stare at his lips, taking in how pink they are and how they are slightly parted. I feel him lean in slightly and my eyes go back to his. My heart is pounding and my breath is stuck in my throat. I want him so bad. For a moment Logan and Carlos flash through my mind. I don't know how much control I will have once I kiss him. This has been building up for so long.

I broken out of my thoughts when James whispers, his breath hitting my lips, "Are you sure?"

I look at his lips again before I nod. That was all he needed. His lips are on mine in a flash and I feel as though I was hit by a truck with the force he puts into it. I bring my hand to his cheek trying to hold him close. He must have the same idea as he slinks his arm around my waist pulling me into his chest more, and I'm practically on top of him. The taste of him is nothing that I thought it would be. It's sweet, but a sweet I can't even begin to describe.

I pull back to catch my breath but it's shortly taken away again when he leans forward this time bringing his lips back to mine. This time its slightly more gentle and all I focus on is how his lips feel agains mine. Soft, though I can feel that they are slightly chapped. I then feel his hand wrap around my hip. Pulling me closer, and his body hovering over mine. I feel myself falling until I'm on my back and his body pushed against mine. He pushes his hips into mine and I let out a moan.

"Kendall!"

James leaps off of me to the other side of the bed and even through my embarrassment I miss his body against mine immediately. The cold able to get to me. I stare at Carlos wide eyed not even sure what to say. What can I say? Sorry I forgot you were there I got caught up in the moment? No. That's not right. So I just stick with a simple "What?"

"Don't what me. Have a little respect." He turns back towards the movie. Logan rolls his eyes first before turning back as well and Carlos rests his head on Logan's shoulder.

James leans back against the wall and I curl up next to him. I get the courage to look up at James and all he does is smile back down at me before pulling me closer. I will my body to call down so I can focus on the rest of the movie. Though, it's hard to do when your mind is racing 100 miles per hour.

IT WILL PASS

That night after a few hours of video games and ordering take out Chinese, that I choked down, we headed back to Carlos'.

"God damn it Carlos." I yelled as I slammed the door to his room.

He sighs and turns around, "What? You got him to kiss you! That's awesome. More than what I got."

"Yeah, but…what..ugh!" I stammer trying to find the right words. He stares at me and raises a brow waiting for me to get my shit together. "Carlos, am I easy?"

His eye brows shoot up in a look of disbelief. He shakes his head and turns to turn on the TV and takes off his shirt, "I don't know, I've never tried."

I feel a little anger swell in my chest, now is not a time for joking! "Well, your so incredibly helpful."

He grabs the remote to the TV and begins flipping through channels looking for something to watch, "Kendall, I'm not joking. I haven't ever tried. Though, I will say that your not a slut because you don't throw yourself at everything that moves." He sets the remote down on the bedside table when he lands on the hockey game and turns towards me, "Does that help."

I flop down on his bed, "Yeah, I guess."

He squeezes on the bed with me and I scoot over until i'm almost against the wall. I'm on my back with my ankles crossed and he is on his stomach, supporting himself on his elbows. He gives me a big smile, "So, how was it?"

A smile comes to my face as I think about the kiss James and I shared, "It was amazing!" I remember the way his lips fit with mine. The way he pushed against me and took my breath away.

I look back at him pushing the thoughts away before I started to get turned on. He wore a teasing look, "Yeah? Better than me?"

Really? Does he really have to go there? I would have never compared them. I had actually pretty much forgotten about Carlos kissing me this morning in his car. Having me up against the door. I don't even know how to respond. After he bitched me out I didn't think about it if it were good or not. But I definitely didn't not like it. Carlos is an amazing kisser. But I have so many feelings for James. I've liked James for so long how can I not love it when he kisses me. "That is not a fair question!"

He rolls his eyes, "Oh come on Kendall, I'm sure he was one hundred times better than me."

I don't say anything. I just sit up and pull Carlos' sweatshirt from over my head. He let me wear his on the way home since he drenched mine in pop. I lay back in nothing but James' gym shorts. Wow, I've kissed two men and I'm wearing their clothes at the same time. Maybe Carlos is lying. Maybe I am a slut. No, this is not normal. Normally my days aren't like this. I have only been thinking about James for a year. No one else. Carlos is my best friend. It's different. He was trying to do me a favor when he kissed me. Trying to prove a point.

Carlos jumps up from the bed and turns off the lights. He comes back and pulls down the blankets on the side he was just laying on and slides under, "Your not gonna make a bed on the floor?" I ask him confused.

"Nah, I'm tired, lets just sleep here tonight." He lays on his side, his back towards me, so he can comfortably watch the game he had turned on.

I slowly shimmy the blankets down from under me and slide under. Laying on my side facing Carlos and the TV. I have my knees drawn up so that I'm almost in a ball. I can see the tv over Carlos' shoulder as I'm propped up on my elbow. Though, I'm not watching the TV at all. I'm watching Carlos, and how the muscles in his back move with every breath. How the muscles thicken his shoulders and biceps. I want to reach out and touch him. Just feel him.

I shake my head, go to sleep Kendall, your just tired. You miss James.

"Good night buddy. I'm tired too." I roll over so that I'm facing the wall.

"Alright buddy, sleep good." I hear him say over his shoulder. And then he yawns and I know that he wont be awake much longer either.

IT WILL PASS

I wake up in a jolt and I don't even remember the dream I was having that scared me. I look around the room and last night comes flooding back. I'm in Carlos' bed. He wanted to sleep in bed. I settle back down against the mattress pulling the warm blankets up around my shoulders. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

I look over and he is passed out flat on his back and an arm over his eyes, the other resting across his stomach. The blankets are low on his abdomen and I take in all his features in the dim light of the room. The TV must have been on sleep mode because I know that Carlos never shuts it off before he goes to sleep.

I don't know what I'm doing or thinking. I'm not thinking, but I roll onto my side, right next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. I put my hand flat against his heart and I can feel it beating through his chest. I've never heart his heart beat before. It's soft and slow.

I feel my own heart skip a beat when he wraps his arm around my shoulders and holds me closer to him. My body tight against his side. I settle after he doesn't move for a few minutes and close my eyes. Enjoying the feeling of being close to him, and him keeping me warm.

I know this is wrong and I urge myself to pretend that he is James. But this is Carlos and I know it. And in a way, i'm glad it's him.

I'm so fucked…

 **Alrighty! I know this is a little bit shorter than normal but next chapter is Carlos and Logans date! And a few other things will happen in that one. I'm hoping that this story picks up a little after that. Tell me what you think. Obviously it could still go either way with James or Carlos so let me know now that you have another chapter to think about it. I know you said stick with James but I want a few more opinions! Thanks so much! I hope you enjoyed!**


	9. Chapter 9

**So sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this! But here is another chapter!**

I'm woken up when something starts moving under me. I then hear a grunt and my eyes shoot open.

"I'm sorry, my arm was sleep and I couldn't take it any more." Carlos says in a husky voice. I roll onto my back a blush creeping over my cheeks as I remember what had happened last night. I was just cuddling my best friend. "I didn't know it was so cold in here that you had to snuggle close." He said with a giggle. I look over at him as he stretches his arms up above his head. I look down at the tan skin that is exposed. I feel a deep blush creep over my cheeks and I instantly look away.

I decide not to lie to him, this time, "Nah, i had a bad dream."

Suddenly he turns worry covering he features, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't even remember it actually, it just woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep." I shrug and throw the covers off of me. Feeling the cold take hold of me instantly. But I ignore it and scoot to the end of the bed before I stretch. Arms over my head, on my tip toes.

"Oh, Kendall." I stop when I hear Carlos' sad voice. I wrap my arms around myself and pull James' shorts up to my waist, just for them to fall back to my hips.

"I need a shirt buddy." I say ignoring him the best I can.

He just nods and I can tell he is chocking back a sob. I go to the bathroom hoping he will have found one to fit well enough before I get back. But when I look in the mirror, I see what he sees. A boy way to skinny. I suck in and turn to the side evaluating how well my ribs show, the way the gym shorts fall loosely on my hips, and how the point of my hips are so prominent. I look down and see my hip bones show through my skin. I'm horribly pale. But isn't this what guys want? What James would want? Someone who he can wrestle with and not have to put effort into lifting me. Someone who will never gain weight? Someone who can do anything because skinny people can. They can do anything.

I am happy with who I am, I'm skinny and I always will be. I can't gain a single pound. I have James now, or more than I ever have before. I shake my head because I know I will never be thin enough. No matter how much I weigh. I look at my thighs, see, I can lose five more pounds. The gap isn't that big. Lets not even mention the scars and healing cuts that litter my body.

James wants someone who is small and dainty.

I walk out hating my imperfections. I walk into Carlos' room, to find it empty. I only find a long sleeve shirt on his bed. He know's I'll get cold if it's short sleeves. I throw it on and I go to grab my phone. I notice a text from James. I can't help but smile at the words _'_ _hey you, hope you slept good. 3_ _'_ I feel the familiar blush creep across my cheeks as I type back my response ' _I did, slept like a baby_ _'_

I don't even notice when I lie any more. It's automatic at this point. And I don't know how to stop it. I shake my head again, it's how I clear my thoughts. I have to physically push them away. I tuck my phone into my pocket.

I skip down the stairs trying to be happy for Carlos. I hate it when I hurt him, but i don't know how to stop.

"Hey buddy, I'm making bacon and eggs." His voice is chipper again, like nothing happened, and I notice how he says it, not giving me a choice. But just the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. Preparing for what I'll have to do if I do dare take a bight. I can't eat more than 500 calories a day. If I do I know I will gain. I have to save those calories for later just in case.

I choke down the saliva that is threatening me, "I'm gonna go have a cigarette." Maybe he will be done eating by the time I'm done with my cancer stick.

I see a flash of something across his face. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe anger? disappointment? I can't tell. I just drop my head and grab his jacket on my way out the door. I pull my cigarettes out of the car and light one up. Breathing in deep, it helps take the edge off my hunger and my anxiety is almost instantly smothered.

I am starting to feel insecure. I need to talk to Carlos. He is my everything. He has always been there for me. He is the one person I cant lose. James crosses my mind, but he isn't Carlos. I need my Carlos. I want James. And honestly if I'm making Carlos happy, maybe I can make James happy too. I know they just want me to eat, they want me to stop cutting. But it all back fires. The more they notice, the more they feel bad, the more I feel bad, the more I restrict, the more I cut because of my anxiety. It makes it worse. It brings back the nagging of my stomach making me want to keep it empty, my thighs and hips start to tingle, waiting for the skin to be penetrated.

I can't keep pushing Carlos away, I have to talk to him. I can't let him leave me. We finally have a group of friends. I can't just let that go. I bend down and rub out my cigarette before putting the butt into the package and placing it back into the glove box where it wont be found. I take in a few deep breaths, preparing for the conversation and the imminent threat of food that will be forced down my throat.

I walk into the house, hanging his coat back up, he will be mad that it smells like smoke…I see him sitting at the table staring at his phone, a stupid grin crossing his face. I sit down next to him, "What? Is it your boyfriend?" I tease.

He looks up shooting me a glare. "No, I don't have a boyfriend, dumbass."

"Whoa, we are touchy this morning." I say with a small amount of annoyance.

I hesitate for a moment, before I tentatively reach out and take a piece of bacon off his plate and take a small bite. He looks at me like he had just seen a ghost. I didn't know it was THAT big of a deal. I roll my eyes and throw it back down on the plate.

I pull my phone out of my pocket, trying to get up the courage to talk to him, to ask him the question I so desperately need to. _'_ _Same. Logan spent the night and he likes to go to bed early, I was bored after you guys left._ _'_

I should have guessed that Logan was a early nighter. Him and Carlos are opposites in every other way, why would this be any different. Maybe I was hoping there would be one thing they would have in common, besides working in the health care field. I type my response back slowly procrastinating, _'_ _Ha, should have guessed. Carlos was up later than me too._ _'_

I look down at the table and fold my hands carefully. Its now or never. I really don't want to miss my chance. This is my chance, the perfect opportunity. Looking down at my hands I take a deep breath before I start. Preparing myself what would be a truly hard conversation for me, "Can I ask you something? Seriously?"

I study him carefully out of the corner of my eyes, he just nods, "Sure"

My voice is barely a whisper, and I shock myself at how low it is, "You wont ever give up on me," I pause, but not long enough for him to say anything. "Right?" Now, I wait.

I get the courage to look at him after it takes him a few moments to answer. He has a look of shock on his face. Just staring at me. "What, why would you ask me something like that?"

I feel tears start to burn my eyes, I think their from relief, that his automatic answer wasn't 'well your difficult…' "I don't know, I feel like I am always hurting you. Always letting you down. Always disappointing you."

"Kendall," His voice is soft and he reaches out and touches my hand. "I'm not going to give up on you. Your my best friend, have been for so long now that I would never be able to live my life without you in it." It sounds like he is professing his love for me. "But," My head snaps up, and the tears fall now, from the shock, "I will admit sometimes you do hurt me, because I'm trying to help you, and its like you don't want to help yourself. I wish you would try to fix yourself. Help me help you."

I look down in shame. Looking at his hand that is laying over my folded ones. I know I need to help him help me. But I'm not there yet, I just proved that in the bathroom! There is always more to lose. "Kendall, you are killing yourself! How can you ask me if I will ever leave you when your the one that is going to leave me?!" His voice cracks and my eyes snap up. He is crying.

"But I'm just now getting James!" Now anger is flaring. I stand up and distance myself. "I'm finally almost perfect for him. If he had wanted me 10 pounds ago why didn't he tell me. I'm just now good enough for him. And I'm sure there are more parts that he would want me to lose. Look at him, he is perfect. No fat on his body at all!" I'm screeching and my voice is cracking.

"Kendall! For fucks sake! He is scared to! You know he is, he knows your not healthy. Don't you want to be healthy for him? And he has wanted you for so long. I'm sure he wanted you 30 pounds ago!"

"Great! Now I'm not healthy, fat people aren't healthy, why would I want to be fat?"

He is standing now. His voice going up several octaves. "He eats! And look at him, like you said, he is perfect. And he does it without starving himself to death. Literately."

"I'm not starving." Lie. "I do eat" Lie. "I just ate in front of you." Truth.

"How can you say you just ate? That was barely eating. And you know what. I promise you that you were going to get a glass of water, chug it. Do a few jumping jacks to shake it up, then say, I have to pee. I drank that so fast then go throw up. Yeah, you think I haven't been watching you for years? Haven't seen everything you have done to yourself?"

He is moving towards me fast, I back up but I don't move fast enough, and he knows it. He lifts up my shirt. "I see every rib you have Kendall! I see the point of your hips for Christ Sake!"

And that's it, I'm broken and I cant stop my knees from hitting the hard wood floor as I sob. I wrap my arms around my dainty waist, trying to hold everything in. "I know I need to change, I know I need to get better. Please. It hurts all the time. All the fucking time I hurt. My mind is constantly going, never relaxes."

All I feel is him wrap his arms around me and pull me close and into his lap. He is so warm and all I want to do is go to sleep in his arms.

 _ **It Will Pass**_

The next day at work is normal. Nothing happened. The four of us ate lunch together and talked an laughed. I'm making an effort. I got a salad from subway and asked for extra chicken. I got an approving smile from Carlos and James wrapped his arm around my waist. I felt a flutter in my stomach. Almost happy that I was doing what they wanted. I want to impress James and keep Carlos around. I eat most of it but not enough to give myself a food baby. Those are the absolute worst.

After lunch James stops us before we go our separate ways. "Hey, wanna come over after work tonight? We can watch movies and have pizza. You guys can stay the night. I have the spare room."

We all agree. Though, I almost instantly regret all the salad. If James is going to order pizza I have to eat. Hell, they will probably make me eat 2 slices and some bread sticks, at least Carlos will if he has any say in it. I feel the need to purge everything in my stomach now! At least the fucking chicken. That's what has all of the calories. Thank the heavens I was smart enough to ask for dressing on the side so I don't have to worry about that.

I start to think of an excuse not to go but then James wraps his arm around my waist, brings me closer, and kisses my temple. "Can't wait to spend time with you later." It's a whisper in my ear and it sends shivers down my spine. I push my body into his for a brief second before he is gone.

I look at Carlos just in time to see Logan give him a quick peck on the lips. I take a deep breath to get my thoughts back together. It's ok. I ate and he still likes me. He kissed me. Not on the lips but he kissed me. And told me he can't wait to see me later! He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want me. Right? Yeah. He still likes me after all that crap I ate. I can do this. I don't have to eat a lot. Just enough for effort. Maybe I can get by with one piece of pizza, don't eat the crust, and half a breadstick. Steal a bite from James or Carlos just to make a point.

 **It Will Pass**

I'm dressed in a blue flannel shirt and skinny jeans. I turn and make sure my shirt isn't to tight anywhere but still tight enough it doesn't look sloppy and old.

My phone buzzes and I know it's Carlos ready to pick me up and head over to James'. I quickly head out, giving my mom a kiss and a 'love you', and hop in Carlos' car.

"Hey, 'Los." I say as I pull the seat belt across me.

"Hey buddy, ready?" He asks with his signature smile. I'm glad that we are ok again. I hate it when nothing seems to be going right. Though, as promised, I'm going to make an effort. I'm going to eat more than I'm comfortable with.

"Yeah." I'm honestly not ready. I'm terrified. I don't want to eat. I don't want to gain weight. I've been pretty much maintaining my weight and I'm terrified to see the scale when I eat something as heavy as pizza. I feel my anxiety start to spiral and I reach for my secret stash in Carlos' car. What is James doesn't want me any more once he realizes I've gained weight? I can't get to close. I can't get used to this. I can't let my feelings get out of control.

"Really? Your that nervous? It's not like this is the first time you guys have hung out." Carlos says as he watches me light up.

I take in a deep breath before answering, watching the smoke come out of my body. "I'm just nervous he will change his mind about me. I don't know. I know it's dumb." I add this last part as a side note, I don't need Carlos jumping down my throat again for hating myself. Literately.

I slowly smoke my cigarette in silence as we get closer and closer to what could be my future. Good or bad.

 **There it is guys! I hope you enjoy! I will try to get a new one up sooner. I have been working on this chapter for weeks! I just kept getting interrupted or I wouldn't know where to take it next. Thank you lovelies!**


	10. Chapter 10

We got out of the car and I was trying to calm my nerves. I know it's dumb to be nervous. But I still can't trust James. I don't know what he sees in me. What does he want from me? What if it's all just a game? He's going to get in my pants and then disappear. Or he is going to spend a few months stringing me along and then decide he has had enough. Nothing good could come from this. I have to proceed with caution. And if it gets to much, just abort mission.

I hate that I'm so self conscious but can you blame me for not wanting to get hurt? I want to just give him my all and fully commit to him. Hold up, there is no committing? He hasn't even asked me to be his boyfriend or anything. All he has done is show some interest. I know he thinks I'm a least a little attractive but is that all he sees me for? Maybe he wants to ask me to be his boyfriend tonight. Maybe that is his plan. My heart flutters at the thought, but my stomach contradicts with a wave of nausea. Well, I guess I'm going to find out.

I look at Carlos who has a huge smile on his face as he knocks on the door. "You excited lover boy?" I ask with a straight tone.

"Shut up, douce bag." He gently pushes me and I go to push back when the door suddenly opens and light floods out revealing a fucking shirtless James! What the fuck?

I'm stuck in my place. The sculpted abs and the tanned skin, looks so soft. It's all perfection. And this God wants me? I mean I knew he worked out but day-am! I shake my head when I realize how ridiculous my thoughts are. Carlos is gone into the house and has exchanged hellos with James and has gone to find Logan. I walk through the door and James shuts it behind me.

"Here, babe, I'll take your coat." James says softly into my ear as he comes around the front of me, and once again my body is thrown into over drive by the sweetness of his voice and the fact that he called me babe, he just amazes me. I try to hide my flustered state and take my coat off holding it out to him. I finally dare myself to look at him and I realize he must have just gotten out of the shower and that is why he is standing here half naked in front of me. His hair is still wet and sticking to his forehead. I watch the muscles in his body as he hangs my coat up on the knobs he has on the wall. I shake my head and get my shit back together. Kendall you just think he is hot. You don't feel anything for him. Don't get to excited.

I'm almost startled when he turns to me and pulls me into a hug. He has one arm around my shoulder and the other wrapped securely around my waist, holding me close to his body. I wrap my arms around his waist and I rest my cheek against his bare chest. I can hear his heart beating steadily and I close my eyes. I can smell the scent of his soap and it's almost a sweet smell. I pull in a deep breath and try to ignore how I shake. I know he can feel every bone. I haven't weighed myself lately but I know I have lost weight.

I feel him kiss the top of my head and I pull back slightly and give him a smile. He leans in a little and I feel him move both his hands to my waist. I look at his lips and they are slightly parted. I lean into him, though, I hesitate and he takes that time to connect our lips. His lips are so soft against mine and for a moment my mind flashes back to the car, where Carlos had kissed me, and how I had kissed him back. How I had slept with him, curled into his side. I feel guilty, I'm not sure if it's because I'm now kissing James instead of him or if I feel as though I have already cheated on James. But I can't have Carlos. He has Logan and I'm hoping to have James. I want James to kiss me like Carlos did. The last kiss we had shared, in his dark room, 'watching' a movie was heated and full of hormones. Carlos' was a point. A point that I can be loved and that I am beautiful. More than just something to be played with. That he truly cared. I want James to show me that through a kiss. I want James to do to me what Carlos had done.

I break the gentle kiss to catch my breath before I put my lips back to his. I reach up and put my hand on the side of his neck and I feel him shiver at the coolness of it, as I revel in the heat of his skin. He pulls me closer to him by my hips and he deepens the kiss. Giving me what I want. I moan gently telling him to give me more. The kiss is turning heated and sloppy. I find his bottom lip and take it between my teeth. Gently nibbling before I kiss it. He lifts me up his hands under my thighs and my back is against the door. I groan slightly from the pain of the hard wood against my bony back. Though, I can still feel myself getting hard and my arms go around his neck, holding on. I can feel his muscles in his shoulders and I can't believe I doing this with him.

I have my legs firmly wrapped around his waist, one hand still holding me up while the other goes up my shirt. I break the kiss to go to his neck trying to keep my cool as a lump forms in my stomach. I know what he is going to feel, and it terrifies me. But my saving grace, there is a knocking on the door behind me. I let out a small squeal and James when he lets out a soft chuckle.

"Pizza's here." He says in the soft, sweet voice that I'm doing everything in my power not to become attached to. But this time its huskier and sexier than I've heard before.

He gently sets me down before digging his wallet out of his sweat pants pocket and opens the door letting the cold air engulf my now heated body and I shiver. I grab the food as James pays the man and that lump is back in my stomach. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. One slice of pizza depending on what he got could be 300 calories. I've already had 250 today from the salad at subway. I can't afford to have more!

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when James closes the door and takes the pizza from my arms. I quickly take off my shoes before I follow him into the kitchen and watch as he rushes around the small place gathering napkins and plates. He gently holds one out to me and I gingerly take it. I can feel my heart racing. My mind trying to put together a plan to get out of this. "Kendall." I look at him almost alarmed at the sound.

"Yeah?" My voice is choked.

"Are you ok?" He looks stern and I almost cower in his stare. He is looking for any hint that I'm lying.

I nod my head before I put my plate on the table and lift the top of the box scoping out the smallest piece of pepperoni pizza and grab it, even though that isn't small enough. James calls the others to the kitchen. I back away from the food as Carlos comes around the corner quickly Logan right on his tail. I smile because of how happy they look.

I wait for everyone to get their food and James gets everyone something to drink. Shockingly I get water. We make our way into the living room and I sit on the floor, James behind me with me between his legs. Carlos on the floor next to me and Logan taking the same position James had. I take a large drink of my water, avoiding Carlos at all cost. I know he is watching me, studying me. Watching my every move, crazy.

I set my food down and turn resting my elbow on James' knee. "Why don't we get a movie going?" I look between the three of them.

"Sure! Kendall, do you want to help me pick one out?" Carlos says as he hops up, also setting his food on the coffee table. I nod knowing that he is going to have a little chat with me. I hop up behind him and follow him to the book case full of movies.

We stand in front of it eyeing them. "How about a funny one?" I ask, you know to lighten my mood.

"Yeah, then a scary one! It worked out well for you last time." He nudges me with his elbow and all I can do is roll my eyes and laugh.

He picks one out before he says "You need to eat."

I let out a sigh as I follow suit grabbing one as well. "I know. I will. But my stomach hurts."

"Kendall, try to let loose." He pulls out Bad Grandpa showing me and I nod in approval.

I look over my shoulder at James. Him and Logan are talking quietly and nibbling on their food. Well, more like devouring it. I shake my head with a small smile and Carlos continues. "If not for you, do it for me. If I can't convince you, do it for James. Have fun tonight Kendall. Please. Don't push James away again. I love you buddy." I nod. Feeling the guilt come back full force and all I want to do is throw myself at him and have him hold me tight. I want James to show me what Carlos shows me everyday. How much he cares every day. James cant love me like Carlos does. Not in the short time we have known each other. Like really known each other. But I need him to. If he is ever going to compete with this bull shit I have made up between Carlos and I. Though, I have to open up some. Carlos is right. I need to loosen up. The sad part is that I don't know if I can do it. Even if that means saving us. All of us.

I grab a scary movie. Not even looking at what it is before turning and walking back to the others across the small room. "We picked out a funny one for now and a scary one for later." I say as Carlos hands Bad Grandpa over to James who jumps up and puts it in player. When he sits down Carlos plops himself back down on the floor and grabs the food he has only taken a couple of bites of taking another humming around his food. I smile and stare at my own plate in front of me. I try to ignore it by watching the movie and lean back against the couch. The warmth radiating off of James is incredibly comforting. As we start to get into the movie I pick up my plate and I take a nibble off the tip of the warm pizza and I chew slowly. I can eat this one piece its ok. Leave the crust. I take another bite and soon I've accepted the fact that I'm eating this one piece and when the other three jump and start laughing I'm able to crack a smile as I slowly chew. Though I'm still going to assume that I have consumed about 550 calories today. Gross.

We finish that movie and everyone jumps up for seconds before we turn on the scary movie. To try and avoid being pressured I stay out of the kitchen taking the time to put the movie in myself. I stand at the edge of the couch waiting for the others awkwardly and jump when I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around my small waist. I hear Carlos' voice in my head telling me to let loose. Do it for James. I lean my head back against his shoulder and he puts his hands on my hips swaying us back and for gently. I can hear Carlos and Logan laughing in the kitchen and I cant help but smile slightly. I feel James large hands wrapped around my hips and I try not to show that my heart is speeding up as his fingertips go under the waist band of my jeans and he squeezes my hips. I know he can feel the protruding bones. How my skin is pulled tight over the tips of them. I take a deep breath and push my body back against his and my hands cover the ones of my hips and I feel him shiver at how cold they are.

"Kendall." I feel his hot breath against my neck and now I'm the one shuddering under him.

"Yeah?" I breath out my eyes closed focused on the way his hands are tickling my hips still.

"Your beautiful."

I stop swaying. I can't believe him. I turn around in his hold and look into his eyes. Now I'm the one who is looking for the lie. What I am is not beautiful. I know I've lost weight since the first time we have hung out. I can see it. Before my ribs weren't even visible. Now I barely even have to suck in to see them. All the stress of trying to keep my emotions in check is taking a tole on my already small appetite. "James." I don't even know what to say.

"Please, just take the compliment." He takes a step back and runs his fingers through his hair. He is flustered and very obviously slow. He lets out a deep sigh. "You don't understand what you do to me Kendall. You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful. Since the first time I saw you." He is looking into my eyes but I know that when he first met me I was 30 pounds heavier. There is no way he liked me then. He just showed interest in me. The me who is actually skinny!

I want to cry. I can't talk because I don't trust my voice to come out strong. I turn my head and look at the floor next to me. "Kendall, I really like you. And I would appreciate if you would just give me the chance to show you how you should be treated."

I look at him, keeping my features hard. He needs to know that I'm serious. "What are you trying to say?"

He puts his hand on my cheek and his voice softens. "Please, let me take you out. I want to be more than friends."

"You mean you want me to be your boyfriend?" I feel the pizza from earlier weighing down my stomach and I immediately want to throw it up and weigh myself.

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"I want to take this slow James." My heart is beating rapidly, my stomach is turning, and my breathing is erratic. I pray to the heavens I'm not doing the wrong thing. Something breaks a little inside me when I see a flash of hurt go across his face at my not so straight answer. But I have to be strong. I have to protect my own heart.

He gives me a gentle kiss and when he breaks away from me he whispers "Thank you" against my lips.

Carlos and Logan come back into the room and we start the second movie. I'm sitting sideways in James' lap with my feet tucked under Carlos' leg as he is curled up into Logan's side.

That night we go our separate ways after saying a quick goodnight. Carlos quietly asks if I'm ok and I silently assure him I am. Though, i'm still hesitant and very skeptical of agree to be with James.

James lets me crawl into bed first as he turns on the TV. "Are you ok sleeping with the TV on?"

"Yeah, I don't mind. Carlos sleeps with his on and I survive at his place." I explain with a shrug.

I see something flash across James' face. Maybe jealousy? I'm not sure. "You and him are close aren't you?"

I nod "Yeah, him and my mom are my everything. I need him and I don't know what I would do without him." I pull my phone out of my pocket and I set it on his bedside table before tucking myself under the blankets.

James turns off the lights and he moves under the blankets too but keeps his distance from me. That longing feeling comes back full force. Where I just want to be held close and feel safe. I look up at James who is staring at the TV. He looks so relaxed and content. His expression is so gentle and I can appreciate just how handsome he truly is. The way his jaw is cut, the way his eye lashes are dark and long. His hair is laying flat against his forehead since he had just showered before we got here.

"James." My voice is barely a whisper.

He turns quick like I broke him from a trance. "Yeah?" His voice is also soft.

I look down almost ashamed feeling like a small child. "Hold me? Please."

He scoots down in the bed and holds his arms out to me. I lay with my head on his bicep and my legs are draped over his bent ones. I feel so small as he wraps his other arm around my waist holding me tightly into his chest. I'm warm and feel as though he is holding me together. This is the most vulnerable i have felt in a long time. And this is as far as it's going to go.

I promised Carlos I would try and let loose. I ate without putting up any sort of fight and I initiated this. I didn't instantly shut James down when he asked me if I wanted to be his. When I talk to Carlos tomorrow I can only hope that he is proud of me for once.

And with that thought we whisper our good nights and James presses a kiss to my temple before we fall into a deep sleep.

 **Wow I feel like this was a very long chapter but every time I read it I added to it. Was it to intense? Not enough? Is there anything you guys don't understand? Suggestions? Anything just let me know in a comment! Good reviews would also be appreciated! Until next time!**


	11. Chapter 11

I wake up slowly. It's quiet. I'm warm and the bed is soft and there is a blanket wrapped tightly around me. My back is sore from being flat on it for so long so I roll onto my side. But there is something heavy holding me down. I reach to my waist and I feel skin. An arm. And everything comes rushing back. I'm in James' bed. And that is his arm around my waist. Then the conversation comes rushing back. He's my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. My heart starts to pound. I get a tight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm terrified. I'm gonna get hurt. Maybe just hurl. He isn't gonna want me at some point. Maybe it will last for 3 months. Right when I fall in deep and he is gonna bail.

I open my eyes and it's still dark out. The TV is off. I lace my fingers with his. He is on his side facing me. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself. Carlos. I'm doing it for him. I taking a chance for him. I trust him. He's the only one I trust. I have to. He thinks this will be good for me. I just pray he is right. I pull his hand to my chest and I roll away from him. My back against his chest. I keep my fingers laced with his and I take a deep breath to calm myself before I close my eyes to go back to sleep. James' warm slow breath against my neck. And it feels so good having the comfort of another human holding me. Even if it's just for the moment.

IT WILL PASS

When we woke up it was close to 9:00. James allowed me to use the bathroom first. After I was done he went in and I slowly got dressed. After 10 minutes of waiting on James I decided to venturer out to the living room where Logan and Carlos were sitting on the couch talking quietly. Each holding a coffee.

"Yours is in there." Carlos says to me with a smile pointing to the kitchen before I even get to ask where mine is.

I grab my coffee. He know's how I like it. Black with the tiniest bit of french vanilla. I can't have much because that creamer contains a lot of calories. But that is one thing that I do splurge on. I can't stand black coffee. Carlos doesn't need to know those details though. He already knows to much.

I come back out of the kitchen and I sit on the floor in front of the couch facing Carlos and Logan. I look around and I notice that James still isn't out here.

Logan must have noticed me looking around, "Oh, don't worry. He is fine. He will be in there at least another 20 minutes."

"What? It's already been 15." I say as I then sip on my coffee. It's so hot and it feels so good when it hits my stomach.

"Oh yeah. He has a morning routine that would compete with any girl." Logan says before taking a sip of his own coffee.

"So it does take hard work for him to look that good?" I say with a chuckle.

The other two laugh as well and Logan nods. I still haven't had a chance to talk to Carlos about the conversation James and I had had the night before. Where I kind of agreed to be his boyfriend. Once again the kiss between Carlos and I hits me full force. I still don't know how you just kiss someone like that. Out of nowhere and then say it's nothing. Carlos isn't the kind of person that would do something like that and it not be anything. But it wasn't. He said it wasn't. He said it is because he loved me and he needed me to listen to him. But it isn't the kind of love I need. The kind of love I am scared to look for because that is how you get hurt. Trying to find the right person to love you the way you need to be loved. It takes trial and error. Maybe that is why I'm thinking about it so hard. I know that Carlos could give that to me and not hurt me. He know's me and understands the kind of love and relationship I need. I already trust Carlos. I wouldn't have to take all these crazy precautions just to even consider a relationship.

"Well, well, well, look who emerges." Logan says. He glances at his watch "And a entire 6 minutes early." I look up as James walks into the living room. He is wearing dark jeans with a burgundy v-neck t-shirt. It fits him in all the right spots. Jesus, there is no way this man wants me. I look down at myself and take in the purple and black plaid and my dark skinny jeans. Just about what you would always expect from me.

James comes over to me and I look up at him. He crouches down next to me. "Good morning." He gives me a soft smile before leaning in and giving me a small kiss.

When he pulls away he notices the coffee in my hand. "Wait. Where is mine?"

I laugh. "In the kitchen. Carlos and Logan must be early birds and went and got them for us."

James walks into the kitchen to grab his coffee and Carlos' phone starts to ring. He jumps up and looks at the number looking excitedly between Logan and myself. "It's the last apartment complex we went to. It's like 5 minutes from here!"

I jump up and i'm right next to him. "Answer it!" I squeeze myself between him and the arm rest. He answers it and puts the phone up to his ear. I lean close so that I can hear what the person on the other end is saying.

"Hello?" Carlos says.

"Hi, is the Mr. Garcia?" a women asks.

"Yes, it is."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know that we went over yours and Mr. Knights application and we believe you would be a good fit. I was wondering if you had time to come down and look over the lease one last time and sign it. Then you two are ready to move in."

Carlos pulls away and looks at me. I nod at him vigorously telling him yes. James walks back in and sees me practically in Carlos' lap. I watch as James lifts and eyebrow at Logan and he just shrugs his shoulders. "Yes, that would be amazing!"

"Great! How does 12:00 sound?" She asks and Carlos looks at me. Again, I nod vigorously.

"Yes! That works for us!"

"Alright I'll see you then."

"Thank you." And he hangs up.

"Ahh! Kendall we have a apartment!" He threw himself at me and I all but fell off the couch. He had his arms around my waist and I threw mine around his neck giggling. Everything is perfect in this very moment.

IT WILL PASS

Carlos and I were sitting in the kitchen talking with my mother. I had gotten away with not eating anything as Carlos had snacked all day since we had come to my house to start packing my stuff. We had work the next day, somehow we always had the same schedule. Carlos probably had a word in with the scheduler on our unit. Though, the day after that we were going to Carlos' to pack his shit. He had a lot more than me. I wasn't looking forward to it.

"Are you boys sure you can handle yourselves?" My mom asked turning away from the stove where she was making spaghetti. It smelt fucking amazing and my stomach was rumbling in anticipation, not like I was going to give it all it wanted.

I rolled my eyes cheek resting lazily on my right fist.

"Mamma Knight I promise I will take care of your son!" Carlos stated confidently.

My eyebrows shot up, "Carlos, she asked if we were going to be ok, not if you were going to marry me."

He smirked and turned to me, "Is that a yes?" He asked in excitement.

My eyebrows went even farther into my hair line, if that were even possible. My mom turning away from her spaghetti her face matching mine. "How would Logan feel if he were to hear this?" I asked somewhat mocking, sitting up straight in my chair.

Before he could even speak my mom turned completely, "Oh? And who is this Logan?" Her face was now lit up, hoping to get filled in on the detailed of Carlos' love life.

"Oh, he is just Kendall's boyfriends best friend." Carlos stated shrugging his shoulders as if he didn't just throw my entire love life at my mother. My mind started racing. Shit, she is gonna wanna know everything! My heart started pounding. Aw, fuck it. Who gives a shit. I guess she can know. Not that it matters now. Thanks to Carlos.

"Who also happens to be Carlos' boyfriend." I say jutting my thumb to the left at my best friend.

"Wait!" My mom has he hands up, palms out. "When did either of you get boyfriends? How come I haven't heard about either of them? Where did you even meet these guys? Carlos, do your parents know?"

"Hold up Momma Knight." Carlos starts. "We both just got together officially last night. We met them at work. And please for the love of God do _not_ call my mother!" His face is pleading with my mom.

She just shakes her head and moves onto the next question, "So, when do I get to meet them?"

Carlos and I exchange a look and he shrugs at me. I internally groan before I answer her. "I don't know. Neither of us are all that serious yet."

Carlos snorts "Speak for yourself."

I suppress the urge to role my eyes and get up "I have to pee." I make my way to the bathroom. Honestly, it was just to get away from the conversation. I don't need my mom knowing all the details of my only partially existent love life. Who knows how long it will even last. A couple of weeks? At some point James wont want to deal with this any more.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I keep going back and forth on if I have lost or maintained my weight. Honestly there is only one way to know. I strip and try to take a piss. I guess if I'm gonna do this I might as well make myself as light as possible since I have drank water. Maybe even it out a little. After I relieve myself I take out the scale and step on it. I was 134 the last time I remember. I wanted to be 135 but clearly that wasn't good enough since I haven't taken any steps to eat more normal.

128.6. Fan-fucking-tastic. The butterflies in my stomach and my pounding heart screamed pride and the rush from knowing I was so much lighter. Not that I can really see it for myself. You know, the entire my body doesn't look to me what other people see thing. I always look fatter to myself. The scary part is my head. I'm just a bag of bones. I'm going to fucking kill myself. And the thing is that I know it. But I don't care. Because these moments of being so damn proud of myself are what urge me on. In just a few weeks I have lost a significant amount of weight for someone who is already on the low end of the normal scale. No wonder I could actually see my ribs. Though, I'm not shocked.

I tuck the scale back away, throw on my clothes, flush the toilet, and wash my hands. Gotta make this get away seem believable if anyone were to mention it.

When I come out Carlos and my mom are already eating. I see a bowl sitting out for me, already filled. Fuck! I can't even pick out my own fucking food.

"I got you a bowl." Carlos says as I turn to look at him. I give him a look of disbelief and a little bit of anger. Anxiety rising. He throws back a look of 'you better fucking eat it.'

I drop my eyes to the floor and let out a harsh sigh. There isn't anything I can do about it in front of my mother. And he knows it. I pick up the bowl and realize its not as full as I thought it was. Maybe he isn't out to get me…completely.

After dinner we help my mom clean up and head back to my room. Once Carlos shuts the door he stops and looks at me as I plop down on the edge of my bed. I look up at him and I can't read the look on his face. Maybe sadness but a little bit of confidence. A small sad half smile. I can't even describe it.

"You did good tonight. Thank you." Is all he says.

I just nod, dropping my eyes to the floor in something like shame, but not feeling sorry for every other time he isn't successful, not having to ask to know exactly what he is referring to. You know since I ate 95% of my food. He knew that he had trapped me. He saw the look on my face and new that I was pissed and full of anxiety the entire time through dinner. He knew that since my mom was sitting with us I couldn't even pull out my phone and text James as a distraction without being scolded.

"Well, I'm gonna get going." He says.

I pull out my phone and a smile graces my usually hard features.

"James, huh?"

"Yeah, he asked how moving went today."

"I promised Logan I would text him when I got home. So I should probably go do that." He sounds like he doesn't want to leave but doesn't know how to stay. Like a puppy who wants to leave his abusive home but doesn't have anywhere else to go. I'm not sure what that means or why. Hopefully he is just tired after our long day and he is now full. I remember the fight we had a little while ago and my resolution to try and be nicer to my best friend, despite everything he does to interfere with my most personal life.

"Carlos," I get his attention as he had started to turn away. "I'm super excited to move in with you. Your always there for me no matter what. And I really do appreciate it."

Suddenly, Carlos is back. His face is lit up with a bright smile and his eyes are dancing and sparkling. "Dude, I can't even wait. Just a couple more days and a weekend and we will be in to our own home!"

With that Carlos left and I was left in my silent room. I thought about our day. How we had said goodbye to James and Logan shortly after the phone call and signed for our apartment. We each got a key and decided we would start a my house. Since he has more things and neither of us wanted to go through his 2 closets and 2 large dressers and a desk. We packed all the things out of my closet, the tops of my dressers, my clothes and books. Only leaving four outfits to wear to work to bed and if I needed extra to go out. As we packed we spilled the beans about what happened the night before. How James had asked me to be his boyfriend and I in a round about way said yes. Carlos took it as a win. Fist thrust above his head squealing a yes! He then in his own giggly fanboyish way told me how he had been the bold one to ask the doctor if he would go to a movie with him as more than friends. We finished packing talking about random things and the things that were long forgotten in my closets and dropped my stuff off at our apartment before heading back to my house for dinner. My mom had text me saying she was making spaghetti and Carlos making a sound only Logan should hear in a private setting and something about carbs and warm.

I rolled my eyes at the silly antics of my latino an-

Hold up. Mine? No, is most certainly not mine. We discussed earlier how he belongs to Logan. I can't help the burning begins in the pit of my stomach and radiates up to my chest. Making it hard to breath and forms a lump in my throat. He is my best friend. I know exactly what these feeling are. And I know whats causing it. I just can't admit it. Not yet. Not even to myself.

I look down at my phone typing back a _'_ _it went great, just have to move his big stuff this weekend._ _'_

I set my phone down on the bed before grabbing clothes to wear to bed. I know as soon as I strip I will be cold so I grab a dark blue long sleeve shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. You know, their like the new fad thing right now. I turn on the TV as I shimmy down into my bed and turn on a episode of Law and Order. I don't actually watch it. It's more like background noise that I don't feel guilty not listening to. Kind of like the news.

I grab my phone up and see that James has already text me back. _'_ _so your stuff is next?_ _'_

We continue talking about our days and how we predict work will go tomorrow. How we already know that he will have his one on one and I will have the same set with him in it as always. I don't say it but I know that even though Carlos has his own set of rooms, patients, nurses, and families to attend too he will still find time to come and pester me at my post. And I smile at that, loving how predictable my life is.

I also know that after this weekend James will try to get me alone and down to the cafeteria to eat. Probably subway.

I'm finally getting warm and my bed is becoming more and more comfortable as the seconds go by. I feel my phone vibrate and as if James could read my mind he says _'_ _i_ _'_ _m falling asleep. Ill see you tomorrow at work. :)_ _'_

I send back a quick _'_ _night James_ _'_ before turning over and trying to push anything negative out of my head before my anxiety decided that it's gonna pay me a visit costing me countless hours of the sleep I need. For once I get lucky.

 **I'm sorry if this is choppy! And I'm sorry it took so long! I have been writing it for months now and I got stuck for a long time, then yesterday it just pops in my mind and I was able to take off with it! I'm sorry if there are typos or any weird errors. Please let me know what you think? I love you all lots who have stuck by this story! I will try not to get writers block again, at least not for this duration. Reviews please! You don't know how much they keep me going.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you everyone for the comments and letting me know what you think. You don't know how it motivates me. Be prepared there is a lot in this chapter. Its kind of the turning point.**

 **Enjoy!**

The next morning I arrive at work and its almost like every other day. Almost. It started out with Carlos picking me up and us driving in together, to the usual overly crowded bus ride that always seems to take to long. But then, we walk into the locker room and James and Logan are waiting near the clock in machine. That's the moment it hits me. We really are dating. This man is my boyfriend, and fucking damn it if he doesn't look just as hot in his green scrubs as he does in his wife beater and sweatpants. Or a graphic tee with dark blue jeans.

As we stood in line waiting for our turn to start our shift they made their way over to us. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Logan give Carlos a quick peck on the lips, but I was focused on James. How he smiled when he saw me. He mimics the doctor by giving me my own kiss before pulling me into a hug and whispering a good morning.

"Good morning." I tell him as I hug him back, loving the way the heat radiates from him and slowly warms me. When I pull away I look around, "Shouldn't you be getting report from last night?"

He shrugs, "I just wanted to see you."

Fuck those butterflies. I don't really know what to say, "Ok," I give him a small smile hoping he can tell I appreciate it, "I'll see you again soon when I stock rooms."

He goes to walk away but I stop him once more wrapping my arms around his waste wanting that warmth one more time before he gets to work. He hugs me back tight around my shoulders. "See you soon, baby." With that he is gone.

I look to my left to see Carlos staring at me, stupid smirk on his face and I feel mine heat up. "What?" I say it a bit to harsh but I gotta keep my shit together.

He doesn't even blink an eye, "Are you blushing?!" He sounds to excited over this.

"Shut up. It's your turn to punch in anyway." I say trying to distract him. It works.

IT WILL PASS

At this point in my day I am done with stocking and asking families if they need anything. James and I already had lunch together as predicted. We got our usuals. My chicken salad and him his usual spicy italian on wheat bread. He asked about Carlos and I when we were little. I told him stories of our hockey days, him sharing his own with Logan. It's crazy how four hockey heads can come together.

Once we returned he went back to his post outside the toddlers room. I was answering call lights and running errands for the other nurses. Helping turn and lift kids. I turned the corner around the desk and I hear my name being called. It's James. I don't miss the hint of panic.

"Kendall, come here!" I see him inside the room of the toddler. James has a bag attached to his tracheotomy so that he can breath for him. He looks terrified and I know he loves this boy. He has been taking care of him for two years. And Ottie loves James just as much. They have a bond like I have never seen between a patient and nurse. They have an understanding. The way the he is looking up at James. Lips turning blue. I've never seen him this pale before. I know that this isn't a normal desat.

I jump into action running towards the room. Immediately my heart is pounding in my chest. My adrenaline kicks in. "Kendall, push the button!" The urgency and the look in his eyes begging me for help assures me that this is bad. I push my own fear aside and focus on what I have to do.

I run around James to the wall where I slam my palm down on the wall over the button, signally we needed help stat! Suddenly red lights are flashing showing the way to our room, alarms are sounding. His heart monitor is blaring at a high pitch indicating his oxygen is at a dangerously low level, along with his heart rate.

"Get his blood pressure. You have to try." James says from the floor, his voice is slightly more steady as he focuses, eyes going from me to the monitor and back.

I don't say a word as I grab what I need and start to wrap it around the boys small arm. I jump up to push the button that will allow it to be taken and as I do the room begins to fill with people. I am on the ground next to James again and I watch the machine tick away. "James it's not reading. It's to low." I can hear my own voice wavering, my own panic. I know I have to keep it together. I take a quick breath to try and regain myself.

I look down at the baby between us and I can feel my body trembling. The respiratory therapist is beside me and I'm watching as James is starting to lose his ground. He is beginning to give breaths to fast and the therapist begins chest compressions. Logan is on the other side of James, "James, your going to hard." Logan begins saying something else to another nurse but I don't hear what he is saying.

I watch as James tries to slow down but his hands are shaking. I know what this kid means to him. I just want to help. "Kendall, take over for him." Logan says as he removes a needle from the baby's arm. I have no idea what he has given him.

I reach over and put my hands on top of James'. I start to guide him. I take a deep breath and try to follow my own breathing. I look up and meet James' eyes. He is full of uncertainty and a bit of fear. I take in a breath and exhale, showing him the patter. I nod at him and mouth 'do it.' I know I need to leave him so the other's have the room they need around the small boy.

He nods his head and eyes fix back on his task. I let go of his hands and walk out of the room. I meet Carlos in the hallway. "How long has it been?" I ask him knowing damn well that it's a lot shorter time than he feels it was.

"About a minute." He replies quietly. We are both standing right outside the door, watching them work. James, Logan, a Respiratory Therapist, and another nurse just incase she needs to run and grab anything.

My eyes go to the monitor seeing that his oxygen is still low. His heart isn't beating on it's own. He isn't moving. I have a heavy feeling in my gut that this is it. A piece of my heart breaks and I feel tears prick the back of my eyes. I may be a dick, but I love my job and my job is to help keep these kids alive. All that aside, this is part of the job. We knew this kid in particular couldn't live forever. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's been way to long. Usually he is back and sitting up by now.

Logan calls it, stating that their attempts were futile. I smeared a hand over my face roughly before dropping it down to my side, slapping my thigh. I watched James lean back on his feet, his face red, eyes hard, expression unreadable, jaw clenched. He was just looking at the baby he had been taking care of for so long.

I look to my right at Carlos. He is watching Logan. I follow his stare. Logan is watching James. A sense of worry all over his face. In a moment James is on his feet and leaving the room. Eyes on the floor.

He was gone before I can even begin to say something, gone around the corner. I want to follow. I want to make him better. I want to help him. My heart is pounding. Carlos grabs my arm giving me the answer I need. "Go, he needs someone."

I nod before heading down the hall and around the same corner he took. I took it just in time to see the bathroom door shutting. I hurry to the end of the hall way and stop in front of it. I shake out my arms trying to loosen my muscles and let out a deep breath, gathering myself from what I had just witnessed. I knock on the door lightly, "James?"

"What?" His voice is harsh, full of anger.

Suddenly, I'm not sure if I want to do this. I know that anger is part of the grieving process. In the medical field we go through the steps much faster. We have to in order to emotionally survive this job. Maybe he just needs space. No Kendall, man up. He needs you. Do something right for once and be there for him. One last steadying breath and I try the handle and surprisingly it's unlocked. I slip inside as quietly as I can.

James is gripping the sides of the sink. His head is dropped down between his shoulders and I cant see his face in the mirror. I make my way behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. His body is so tense and he is trembling. I put my hands flat on his sides and gently squeeze, pressing my cheek to his back, trying to hold him together. I can hear his heart racing.

He turns in my grip and wraps his arms around my waist. My arms going around his broad shoulders. I feel so much smaller than him. So weak as he puts most of his weight on me, his face in the crook of my neck. His hard, muscled body against my frail one. My knees begin to feel week trying to hold the both of us up. I back to the wall, unable to hold the weight of both of us. I slide down it him willingly going with me, or maybe he cant even hold his own weight at the moment.

He is resting between my legs, leaving against my torso, face hidden in my neck. His arms are still around my waist holding me in a vice grip. This time my heart breaks for James. It's my turn to comfort him, be the strong one for once. Just like Carlos has been for me.

I hear a small sniff come from the brunet in my lap. I lean my cheek against the top of his head, holding him tighter to my chest. "It's ok, I've got you." It's barely a whisper.

That did it. I hear him whimper and his fingertips dig into my sides. I ignore the pain. I run my fingers through his hair and press a small kiss to the top of his head. His body begins to shake as he lets out his tears. I can feel them on my neck. I need to show him that I'm here for him. I need to tell him. I haven't ever called him anything other than his name. He calls me babe, and when he does my heart flutters. Since he does, he might like it if I do. I guess this is the best time as any. I have to call him something other than babe. My heart begins pounding again. I'm falling for him. Slowly. And I know it. I've stopped fighting him on a lot of things. This is my chance, I need to do it before I can convince myself otherwise. "I've got you love, I'm not going anywhere."

He stops, everything stops. The sniffling, the choking sobs, the shaking. My heart pounds in my chest. I want to run. I want to get away. He slowly pulls away from me, I can't look at him. I can't see whatever expression it is that he is wearing as he silently stares. I can feel my cheeks heating up. This is what I get for trying to be a good fucking human. I finally look up from under my eye lashes. His face is shocked, tears still wet on his red cheeks. Even now he is is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't hav-"

I don't get to finish my sentence. His lips are on mine, hard and fast. My breath is stuck in my throat. His hands are on either side of my neck, pulling me into him. I pull away to catch my breath and he takes the time to straddle my lap. He presses his lips back to mine. This time gentle. The way our lips connect is like we are made for each other…Since when did I get so sappy? I don't give a fuck. I place my hands on his hips gripping tightly. Holding him in place. Not letting this end. I let my head fall back on the wall and his lips are attached to my neck. Sucking light, and hopefully not leaving any evidence of this happening. He bites down and all thoughts leave. A groan escaping against my will. I pull his hips closer to mine. His hands make their way to my hair and he pulls, forcing me to give him more skin.

There's a knock on the door and we both jump apart. I gather my shit, the fog still clouding my mind, breath ragged and heart racing. "We're coming." I snap, pissed that we were interrupted but realizing it was a damn good thing.

Hoping that no one heard the sounds James pulled from me I look at him. He is watching me, waiting for me to move. I stand and reach out for him. He grabs onto my hand and I pull him up. I stumble forwards but am able to regain my footing, holding us both up, miraculously.

I move towards him and place my hand on his cheek. "I can come over tonight, as soon as work is over." What if he doesn't want that dipshit? "If you want."

He nods a small sad smile gracing his lips, "Please."

"Ok."

IT WILL PASS

We were able to pull ourselves together long enough to get through the next couple hours of our 12 hour shift. Carlos dropped me off at home. I took a quick shower, changed into night clothes, there's no reason to wear anything nice since it's going on 8:00 at night.

As I drive I pull out my cigarettes, lighting it up. I turn on the radio, Take Your Time by Sam Hunt blaring through the speakers. Reminding me of what scares me about James. Am I just a prize he is trying to win? I shake the thought's out of my head, my bangs falling into my eyes. I flip them back into their designated spot. I take a drag of my cigarette changing the station. I sing along with the a James Arthur song.

When I get to James' house I pull up behind his car. I climb the stairs cautiously and quietly open the front door. He had told me to just come in when I got here, I don't have to knock anymore and that I'm always welcome. That should count for something.

I toe off my shoes and head to the living room where James is sitting on the couch. He is playing on his phone. I come up behind the couch and look over his shoulder. He is playing candy crush…really. "God, you suck!" He snorts as I stand up and move around the front of the couch to sit.

He puts his phone down and picks up the cup off the coffee table. He takes a sip before holding it out to me.

I lean away from the glass, eyebrow cocked, studying him. "What is it?" I can't help the disgust in my voice. I know there are calories involved. You would never guess the amount this beautiful man eats. I don't know how he looks the the way he does.

He rolls his hazel eyes before moving it closer to me. "It's not poison, babe. I took a sip."

There's that word again. The one that makes me lose my resolve. The one that gives me the fluttering in my stomach and the pounding in my chest. I hesitantly take the glass from him. Looking inside, it's orange. Doesn't leave it to much of a mystery. I look up at him "Orange Juice?"

"Try it and you'll find out." I could tell he was getting aggravated with my stubbornness by the tone of his voice.

"Fine." I huff before taking a small sip. I all but gag on it. "What the _fuck_ is that!?" I yell after forcing the bitter liquid down my throat. "It burns!"

He lets out a soft chuckle. "It's tequila." He takes the cup back and takes a sip of his own. "It's amazing."

"I thought you said it wasn't poison?" I protest after wiping the remainder off my lips with the back of my hand. "Last I checked, alcohol is poison."

He stands up still holding his glass and heading towards the kitchen. I pull my knees up to my chest, getting comfy on the couch. This man is to much. I let out a small laugh at how ridiculous he could be. My thought's flash back to the day we had. The way he looked at me with those blood shot eyes, his tear stained cheeks that were still flushed. The amount of relief they held when I offered to come over tonight. I was temporally able to put my heart back together. The flashes of Ottie looking up at James. Begging him to save his life once again with those big brown eyes.

I'm knocked into reality when James knocks my knee with a cup. I see his other hand is occupied with the one he was holding before heading to the kitchen. I'm assuming this is for me. At this point I need it. Fuck the calories for once. One night of letting go of the counting isn't gonna kill me. Plus all I had was that salad. It's not going to set me back enough to make that big of a difference. I take it before straightening out.

"I didn't make yours as strong as mine." He says as he sits next to me.

Yeah, right. "And why should I believe you?" As soon as the words leave my mouth and the hurt flashes across his features I regret it, so much for me trying to not be a dick. It's gone in a flash though, and I back pedal, "Thank you, you shouldn't have." I take a sip. And really it wasn't nearly as strong. I let out an unexpected moan. The taste of the orange juice that I haven't had in over 2 years, the warmth of the tequila going down to my stomach and spreading through my body. "This is amazing."

He lets out a laugh before he turns on Forrest Gump. A classic. Before I know it he has brought the bottles out to the living room so he didn't have to keep leaving. I'm 2 glasses deep and him 3. I'm a giggling mess. I know I should be embarrassed but this is the most fun I have had in such a long time.

I stand up off the couch, a bit wobbly. I haven't had this much energy in a long time. I pull James towards the door, "where are we going? We cant drive!" He protests.

"I know, I need a cigarette. I don't normally smoke unless I'm stressed but apparently it's a different story when my boyfriend gets me drunk." As soon as I realize the words are out of my mouth it's like the world slows down. I'm staring at my feet trying to get them into my tennis shoes. My breathing become rapid and my heart flutters. My boyfriend. Thats right. We did have that conversation.

He standing at the door. Holding the handle expectantly, a small smirk on his face. "Having some trouble?" His voice is full of amusement.

The second one finally slides on, "Nope, lets go." I walk in the straightest line that I can manage as I head to my car. I fumble for the keys in my hoodie pocket and unlock my car. I grab my cigarettes out of the centre council along with the light and head back to the porch where James is sitting in one of the chairs. He's watching me eyebrow cocked. "I got tis." I slur out. I pull a cigarette from the pack and go to set it on the table between us, missing completely. I stare down at the pack for a moment before putting the cigarette between my lips. I try to light it but not success.

"This is painful, give me it." James reaches over and snatches both items from me before taking my previous position and easily lighting my cigarette. He hands it back before leaning down and picking up the dropped pack. He pulls one out and lights it before looking back at me. I haven't moved and I'm staring, "What? You think I don't have my own list of bad habits? I wouldn't be sitting out here in the cold with you if I didn't want one too."

"Well, aren't we just a bundle of surprises?" I say sarcastically before starting on my own cancer stick.

After we finish James is ushering me inside. He turns off the lights as we head through the house towards the bedroom. James shuts the door behind me. I rip off my hoodie, careful to not let it take my long sleeve shirt with it. I climb into James' bed and under the covers before I notice that he is stripping to his boxers. Their a blue and black plaid. They hug his hips perfectly and I want to put my lips there. I lick my dry lips as my eyes travel north over his toned ables and his defined chest. It's all perfect. I bite my lip and once I reach his eyes, that are watching me. He has a cheesy smirk on his face, I feel my face flush as red as a tomato. Oh, fuck, why me?

"Like what you see?" He asks a eyebrow raised.

Well, there isn't any point in lying. Letting go of my bottom lip I just nod.

He turns off the light and crawls under the covers with me and I watch every move. I can feel all the heated blood rushing to my groin. I can't help myself when I lean over James. My cold hand on his warm stomach. I look down at him in the dim light coming from the window. "Gorgeous." I breath it out over his lips before I gently press mine to his.

The arm that was behind his head is now on the side of my face. His other hand now flat over the one I have on his stomach. I try to deepen the kiss but he is slowly rolling us over. Me now on my back, him hovering over me. He grabs my hip and pulls it off the bed, bringing my body closer to his. The kiss begins to turn heated and needy. My hands are in his hair, I need something to hold onto. I can't believe this. My mind is blown that a man like James would want someone like me. Is touching someone like me this way. I think my body is almost perfect but it's not there yet. It's my own personal hell, being stuck between thinking I can't stand him feeling just bone, it's embarrassing and I can't stand him having any bit of fat to hold onto, it's embarrassing.

I attempt to push the negative thoughts aside. Focus on what I'm feeling, what James is doing to me, how his skin feels on my own. Wait! His hand is slowly sneaking up my shirt. Resting on my skin in the space between my ribs and my hip. "James." I breath out. It's all I can muster with his lips traveling over my adams apple. I pull my hands from his hair and try to pull the hem of my shirt back down. His hand doesn't move.

He pushes himself up on one hand so he can look down at me. "Whats wrong?" Worry is plastered all over his face.

I hesitate but I can't let him see me. I can't let him see what is under my clothes. The bones and the slight pudge that I hold onto. "Please leave the shirt."

"Oh, Kendall." Carlos comes to mind. When he saw my shirt off in the bedroom. The sad look in his eyes. The same look James is giving me right now. Guilt washes over me. My emotions are a fucking roller coaster. "Your the gorgeous one. Your the one that deserves everything I'm trying to give you." a second flashback. When Carlos kissed me in the car. When he told me these exact things. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect." Oh, the things you don't know.

With that, he dips his head down, tongue on my neck. Hand creeping up my side along with my shirt. I don't fight it this time. I let it happen. If he can say the exact thing Carlos said to me and seem like he truly means it, maybe I can give him my trust, just as I trust Carlos. And that was the sign I needed to give myself to James.

I pant as his lips have traveled to the skin he has just revealed. His tongue now traveling down the centre of my stomach just under the concave of my ribs. My shirt is now pushed up to my nipples and I can feel the cool air reacting with my hot skin. He bites down on the point of my hip and I let out a strangled moan, his actions going straight to my now erect organ, my hips bucking.

He moves back up my torso to whisper in my ear, "I found your weak spot."

And that he had, I didn't even know I had it. James pulls away and sits back on his knee's. He takes hold of the waist of my sweatpants. It takes everything in me not to protest. I let him remove them, leaving me in a shirt that is almost off and a pair of purple boxers. He leans back over me to kiss my stomach once more. They are light and loving. Until he begins to lick and it sends shivers down my spine. "James, don't tease."

Without a word he removes my shirt from over my head gently. He wiggles his way in between my legs. He stays on his hands and knees, the only parts of us touching are my thighs against his, his hands on either side of my head, "Is this ok?" He's asking permission? I've never had anyone do that.

His face is relaxed, his body seeming the same way, breathing even. Though, I can see the lust in his eyes that have turned dark. The way he is biting his bottom lip gently. I know he wants the contact just as bad as I do.

"Yeah," I grab his hips and I pulled them down to mine. The moment our erections make contact, even through the fabric, I groan and he lets out a hiss.

I don't waste any time. I begin moving my hips against his. Creating the friction I didn't know I needed so desperately.

James leans his forehead against mine. Staring into my eyes. His hips start to move in time with mine. Our pace moderate. Not rushed, but enough to give us to pleasure we crave. We both start to turn into moaning messes. And let me tell you, the sounds that come out of him are as beautiful as he is. As honest as he has seemed to be with me this entire time. I reach up and cup his face with one hand, keeping the other on his hip. "Fuck, James."

"You feel so good, babe." As soon as the words are out of his mouth his lips are one mine. Gentle and caring. Light but passionate. I feel the tears I had held back earlier in the bathroom coming back. The emotions of the day hitting me harder than a bus. I don't even have a chance to stop them. they travel down the sides of my face and onto the pillow beneath me.

James begins to move his hips faster, pushing against me harder. I feel the pleasure building, a tightness happening in my stomach as I come closer to the edge. "James, please." I bite my lip to muffle a moan I cant keep in.

I bring both hand back to his hips and dig my fingernails into the skin, pulling him down roughly on me. Forcing me to give the the friction I'm asking for, and I simultaneously buck into him. "Kendall, I'm gonna cum." He drops his head to crook of my neck. Breath hitting my shoulder.

I think back to how the word "love" affected him earlier that day. "Come for me, love. Let go." I trail my fingertips up his spine. At that he pushes down on me one more time hard. He moans out my name before he bites down on my shoulder. Removing a loud choked moan from me. We ride out or orgasms together.

After we have semi caught our breaths James rolls off of me. He hooks his arm around the back of my neck bringing me into the side of him. He reaches off the side of the bed and grabs his dirty shirt from the floor where he had left it. "Here, take off your boxers." I do as he says before handing him the shirt and him doing the same. I guess that's as good as it's gonna get tonight before we can shower.

He throws it on the floor before he looks down at me. I look up at him and his brow furrows. "Hey, whats wrong? Are you crying?" Now it's my turn to let the dam break. I throw myself into him, tangling my legs with his, wrapping my arm around his waist, burying my face in his shoulder.

I don't lie to him this time, the memories of Carlos telling me to stop hurting him by pushing him away, "I'm scared of being hurt. I just want you so bad."

He sits up so he can look down at me once more, "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you. I've worked to hard for whatever little trust you can give me to throw it away. I care about you, Kendall. Don't forget that."

All I can do is not. He seems satisfied as he lays back down and pulls me back into him as tight as he can.

 **Phew, that was a lot to take in! Please let me know what you think with a review. We have moved onto the second half of this story! I'm excited to continue. I hope you guys are as well.**


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